Fathersuarus Rex

I haven't blogged in forever....why? Mostly because I'm lazy. But also because finals combined with work and then finally getting a week off to catch up on all my sleep...well just didn't happen. Hope you didn't mind. :)

So I'm doing Summer quarter. Woot. I guess. Actually it starts Tuesday and will go for six weeks. Then I'll get my month off before finishing my last year!!! Crazy...only one year until graduation. Excited! So why am I not taking as much of break as normally planned this summer...well sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Life's a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes you just have to plow through that billion degree hill and not stop even when you feel like you legs are going to fall off.

People are almost always surprised when I say I'm doing summer quarter. Who in their right mind would continue taking classes when they could have a break?!! At least that's what I used to say. But!! Finishing school two years early sounds wonderful to me. :) Then Australia? I think so.

So where's the lesson in this blog post? I'm not sure...kinda rambling. Maybe sometimes taking the hard route now will pay off in the end. Heck yes class of 2011!!  But!!!! I do have a sweet picture to show you for this Father's Day:

FATHERSUARUS REX
It's a pasta painting. :)

This was more of an update blog. :) But I'll have some "deep" ones soon! I have several running through my head, but this week of break has my brain on relax mode and not brainstorm mode. So enjoy this cool picture instead and have a wonderful day!

I Love Jesus

Lacking inspiration on something to blog.  So....I going to branch off a Facebook status update of mine.  The essence of the update included making yummy food, watching The Bachelorette, and thinking that a boyfriend sounds good....

Oh silly Jess...think think think!!! I didn't mention that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, just the thought sounded nice. Of course a relationship sounds nice! Don't most of us want that? Someone to who understands and appreciates us? Someone who makes us feel special and fuzzy on the inside.  Someone who lets you be yourself and you feel safe enough to be yourself.  Ugh. Relationships. Ugh. Boys.

Relationships are complicated. I'm not good at them. I really don't have much of a history in relationships.  But that's okay. I don't mind. :)  I've had one relationship, and while I am definitely no expert, I have learned a lot from that experience, and combined with my leaders and pastors' instruction I hope to provide some insight.

So my advice on relationships...

Keep God #1!!!! Soooooo important.  The moment your significant other becomes more important than God things will fall apart.  God is the only one who can keep two imperfect people together.  If your focus isn't the Lord then you're not mature enough to be in a relationship.
Exodus 20:2-4  ² “I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. ³ “You must not have any other god but me. ⁴ “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. (NLT)
This includes making your boyfriend or girlfriend your idol; loving them more than you love God. It's easy to do, trust me.

When in doubt, snuff it out. If you're questioning whether your getting too physical, sharing too many emotions, wondering if your parents or leaders would approve, then stop!!!! In fact, don't even put yourself in compromising situations. Easier said then done. It's sooo easy to put yourself in a place where the chances giving into temptation are escalated. 2 Timothy 2:22 ²²Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. (NLT)

If you're questioning, then you should probably stop and avoid. God's given you a conscience for a reason.

Have Accountability!! This is also vastly important!! Let people know you're in a relationship. Let your friends now how you're doing. Check in with your with leaders/pastors/parents.  Find people who have experience (this does not mean your friend who's dated 50 boys and she just entered her freshman year...of high school), let them give you advice and listen to them.
Luke 11:36  If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.” (NLT)
You should be transparent in every aspect of your life (Check out this blog!! It's sweet stuff.).

So yes....talking about relationships is awkward. Especially when you're single, but you want relationship, but you're not sure if you're ready, and you're very picky, and you have amazing lady friends who are even pickier, and you have a billion father figures who all want to shoot the boys who come to the front door AND you have a super protective Daddy who has shot most of the boys who have come to the front yard.

So what am I saying???
 I love Jesus. 

Bottled Emotions

So I had the honor to lead worship at AMPED and LYC (Living Word's middle and high school youth groups) this last Sunday.  Let me tell you, those crazies have energy like no other and I love it!! They make leading worship a breeze.  Which was good because I was held at work 2 hours longer than I had expected and was an hour late to practice. Whoops. But Phil, Sean, Jared and my Dad (sound man!) are amazing and things went awesome. Plus whenever God's in charge things go well. :)

But not only did I get the chance to play guitar and sing, Angel surprised me.  LYC was having a Panel night: several of the leaders sit on a couch up front and students text in questions. Just as they were about to begin Mr. Angel called me up and said I was on the panel. Haha. So that was a fun, last minute, go-with-the-flow evening.

One question that was sent to me via text we weren't able to get to on the panel, but I still feel it's an important issue to address.  So I'll discuss my answer and hopefully you'll get some insight."I'm not the type of person that talks about how I feel when I'm going through a hard time.  So basically I keep everything in side. What do I do?"

This question relates a lot to me.  Not being able to share how I truly feel had been a problem for me all growing up. This surprises a lot of people because everyone says I'm so real, so down to earth.  While yes, now I am and in general I was; letting people know I struggled or hurt was one thing I did not do.  I always put on a smile and faked my way through school, church, even at home with my family.  I struggled with deep depression from as far back as I can remember until just last year.  Not just, "Oh I'm sad..." but "Life sucks and I'm not going to try anymore".  Rough stuff.

The crazy thing was...is!...no one ever knew! Not even my own family.  I was so great at putting up that mask.  It wasn't until just a couple months after I turned 18 that I really began to deal with my crap.  And that's when I began to find healing.  Sharing what I was feeling was a huge factor in that!!!


Bottling emotions inside is never a healthy thing.  Denying that you have feelings of rage, anger, hurt,frustrations, joys betrayal, abandonment, fear, sadness, whatever it might be will create lasting problems in the long run.  Whether you admit to them, they're still there and they'll still affect you, your relationships, and your life.  Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, and/or God allows you to admit those feelings are real. And that you do have them (and it's okay to have them!).  

1 Peter 5:6-7  v. 7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.  
Check out Psalm 77

For me, being real with my feelings started with journaling. I penciled all my feelings, into my journal in prayer form to Jesus.  Then I started talking to my best friends (some of those included my mentors).  There were only a couple people I was real with and they fully supported me.  While they accepted that I had certain feelings and emotions they did not always agree with them.  If I was angry at myself, they would remind me of God's grace.  If I was hating myself, they would tell me they loved me and more importantly that God loves me.  Finally now, I've been able to be real with everyone.

That doesn't mean I go into my life story, examine every emotion in detail, and ask for advice from everyone I run into.  It means when someone asks me how I'm doing and I'm feeling sad, I'll tell them, "Today's not the best."  I don't have to go into detail; when they ask what's wrong I hardly ever say what the root problem is.  I do go in depth with my pastors, my best friends, and my family.

Going through hard times is so much easier when you have a shoulder to lean on.  Especially if that shoulder is grounded in Christ.  Or that shoulder belongs to Christ.  He's the One who will get you through hard times.  He'll provide you with healing and the strength to make it one more day.  Call on Him and He will answer.

Lamentations 3:55-57  ⁵⁵ But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit. ⁵⁶ You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading!  Hear my cry for help! ⁵⁷ Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.”

"Future Talk" Again?

I'm getting so bad at this consistent blogging thing...maybe it's because last week was my H. E. Double Hockey Sticks week!!! Crazy. I relearned why I don't procrastinate all three of my major papers 'til end of the quarter, days before they're due....never again!

Alas...last week got even better when I failed my motorcycle endorsement course. Whoops.   I failed because I wiped out on the last day. Okay, okay "wiped out" may be too strong of words. But basically I took a turn too tight and too fast, the back wheel spun out, and the bike fell on its side...and on my leg. I'm fine!!! Just got some nice road rash, couple of bruises, pulled a muscle or two, and might have shattered my pride.

So how do I deal with failure? Not very well. I don't like to lose. Don't like to fail. Don't like being told no (It's funny how low self-esteem and pride go hand-in-hand).  It's frustrating when you have plans and they don't work out exactly as planned. Like planning on driving a motorcycle but then failing to earn the license. Sad day! Or perhaps planning on attending Biola University in LA. Or maybe going to Australia to Hillsong College.  Or  recording a demo, putting it on the internet, getting thousands of fans, and scoring a record label. Funny how life doesn't happen the way we mapped it out when we sat down at our kitchen table 5 weeks ago. 5 months ago. Maybe 5 years ago.

In the book of James we're directed to not boast about what we're going to do tomorrow or where we're going to go.
James 4:13-16 ¹³ Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” ¹⁴ How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. ¹⁵ What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil. (NLT)

Plans often don't work out the way we intend them. Instead God opens and closes doors to match His will for your life.  I go to Western Washington University, and trust me, it wasn't my first choice.  But I love the campus up here! God's teaching me amazing things! And I'm meeting people who are pushing me in my musical abilities. It's incredible.  God completely shut my plans to attend a Christian University. Did He stop my desire to be a pastor? Did He shut down my desire to pursue music? No way!! I know God's called me to pastor His people and to d0 what I love, music. I'm just taking a different route then might be typically be expected. 

Jeremiah 17:7-8  ⁷ “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. ⁸ They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit. (NLT)

No matter where I go I know God's going to bless me as long as I remain in His will. As long as my roots are deep in His waters no matter what is thrown at me I'll make it through.  Failing a driving course, failing to write a song every week, failing to score a label, failing in a relationship,  failing to do everything exactly as I have planned isn't going to make me fade away.  My roots are in Christ. My hope and confidence is in His will for my life. When droughts hit me, I'll stay strong.

So I know I've been talking about my future plans a lot...I'm a college student, it's what we do. But I need to more readily realize that I don't need to focus completely on the future and what I'm going to do or what I want to do.  He'll open and close doors.  So hopefully my blog posts will stop being about knowing or not knowing my future and start being about what I'm going through right now.

But yes.

Thanks for reading my ridiculous and crazy thoughts! I so appreciate all the love you show.  Knowing you read my blog makes me feel fuzzy and warm inside. :)

Jeremiah 9:24 ²⁴ But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord, have spoken! (NLT)

You Are Definitely Worth It

Ahhh...I'm sorry. I apologize for the insane delay in this second half of my last blog post. Whoops. Here I go. Like I said before, writing this blog has been pretty difficult. How can I write on something I still struggle with on an almost daily basis? But God has provided me with huge steps in the right direction, and I want to share those with you.

Every person has different hurts, different scars, different past experiences that shape who they are.  But too often they all equal the same thing: pain. The pains can be very different. I don't know what it's like to experience my parents go through a divorce, but I do understand abandonment of a different kind. The thing is, pain is pain. Whether its your head, your back, your ankle, your stomach. It all hurts.

1.) First......you've got to recognize that pain is there. You can't diagnose what's broken if you won't admit that you feel something is wrong in the first place.  Understand that you hurt and that it's okay to hurt.  Quit hating yourself for hating yourself.  Jeremiah, David, Jesus. They all cried out in pain and were not ashamed to do so. (Read Psalms, Jeremiah, and Lamentations if you want to see how some of these men dealt with their emotional pain) 
Lamentations 3:55-57 ⁵⁵ But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit. ⁵⁶ You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!” ⁵⁷ Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.” (NLT) 

2.) Second...you have to want healing. "Wait. Why wouldn't I want to feel better?" Sometimes we enjoy wallowing in our pain without even knowing it. Trust me, I do.  We bask in self-pity; we tell ourselves life's not fair, it will never get better, we will always be broken.  The path to healing isn't easy, you have to want it. Not wanting just happiness or satisfaction in ourselves, wanting true healing and satisfaction in Christ. 
Hosea 7:14 ¹⁴ They do not cry out to me with sincere hearts. Instead, they sit on their couches and wail. They cut themselves[or they gather together], begging foreign gods for grain and new wine, and they turn away from me. (NLT)

3.) Third...get close to Jesus.  Learn who He Is. Learn the way He sees you. Learn His amazing grace, so that even with our faults, even when we can't accept ourselves, He still longs to hold us.  Ask Him to change the way you see yourself and others.  Get into the Word. Get into daily conversations (prayer!).  He wants you!!! Try wanting Him too. 
Jeremiah 29:12-14 ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” (NLT)

4.) Fourth...be patient and be willing to work.  Learning to love yourself is not easy and I have never seen an instant fix-it. (Though God can do whatever He wants!) Often Jesus lets us grow the hard, long way so that we can learn and help others through the same things.  I would not take any part of my life back (even though some of it I would never wish on anyone) because it has shaped me to the woman of God I am now.
 Philippians 1:6 ⁶ And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (NLT)

I'm not Jesus, not a counselor, not even a certified pastor (yet.) but this is what I've learned in my short 19 years on this earth**. I've still got a long ways to go in learning to love myself completely, but I've never been so satisfied with my body, my face, my abilities, my talents, myself. I pray every day that you to can love yourself the way Christ loves you.

I've still got so stinking much to write on this subject!! But I'll save it for another day. :) 

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 ⁸ We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. ⁹ We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. ¹⁰ Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. (NLT)

***If your struggling with self-hate that causes you to want to quit life, hurt yourself, or hurt others, please PLEASE talk to a pastor, a counselor, a trusted someone of wisdom. Those thoughts are not normal and you don't have to fight them alone. You can always e-mail me jandruk@comcast.net. I know many amazing people who would love to talk to you, and I know I personally would love to talk to you too. We'll set up a coffee date (if you're close) or online chat or phone call!!! ***

You Are Worth It

I have this long term, broken relationship with this thing called...
Low Self-Esteem.

This past week has been exceptionally difficult.  Believe or not, I really struggle with liking who I am. And specifically how I look.  You're probably thinking right now, "JESSICA!!! You're crazy!! What are you talking about?!? Shut up!!! You're beautiful inside and out!" All phrases I have heard many times before. And I know they're telling me the truth. Yet my heart still has a difficult time grasping the idea and struggles with agreeing that I'm perfectly fine with the body and looks I have now.  Maybe you understand what I mean, maybe you don't.

Before you judge me and how I struggle with seeing myself through God's, and even other people's eyes, understand that this has been a lifetime battle. Crazy, I know. I'm not going to go into my story as to why that is or how I've gotten out of it (if you want to hear it give me a ring/text/facebook/myspace/twitter (Haha, yay technology!) and we'll meet for coffee and I'll tell you my story in person) but hopefully this gives you a teeny tiny glimpse so you know this lack of self-worth isn't from nowhere. I just don't want to talk about it on the world wide web. Whoops.

So how do we overcome self-hate? How do I? Lord knows its been difficult. Hence I'm struggling with it yet again.  Learning to see myself through His eyes is one of the hardest things ever. But!! It's something that has completely transformed my life.  Yes, I'm struggling this week, but for the past year I've liked who I am and what I see in the mirror for the first time since I was very young!! It's amazing. :)

How have I even gotten this far? I discovered Grace!!!! God's sweet and abounding Grace! Grace for the mistakes I've made. Grace for the wrongs people have done to me. Grace for every ounce of sin that has polluted my body, my thoughts, and just me. The Lord doesn't care and He forgives and He sees you as done and done!!! 

Maybe you're thinking, "Jess, I know this stuff. I hear it at church all the time. What else can I do?". Pray, pray, PRAY! Every moment of every day that your mind is quiet, ask God to change your perspective. I promise it works! Every negative thought, capture it and cry out to the G-Man!  He will give you strength, especially in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).  There is relief from these self-hate thoughts.

Don't give up.

This is going to have to be a 2-part blog!!! Woot!!...? There's so much more to say but I don't like reading long blogs...and I don't want to do that to you. Hopefully these words will get your mind turning, get your soul searching, and push you to get one-on-One with Jesus.  So be on the look out for mas!! In the meantime: here are some sweet verses to ponder.

Psalm 139: 14-15 ¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (NLT) --check out the whole chapter!! Psalm 139

Genesis 1:27  ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (NLT)

1 Peter 2:9 ⁹But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (NIV)

Luke 12:6-7 ⁶ “What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. ⁷ And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. (NLT)

Forky Rd.

If you haven't noticed...I haven't been very prolific in my writing of blogs. Life is crazy! School, work, school, music, did I mention school? All of my brain power has been focused on school...and to be honest, my song writing.  Which is awesome!

April 24th, Saturday night, I had my first "mini-concert". Let me say, it was amazing! Everyone who came blessed me and Jared so much! Asking for a CD, where to download, when my next concert was. Sooo cool. But with all this awesomeness, I'm left with the question: what direction do I take? But isn't that always the question?

School. I've got to finish school. Australia. I SO want to go to Australia.  Music! I want to do music for the rest of my life (God willing, please!!!). Pastor. God's called me, but timeline, I'm not so sure what that is. Love people. Easy! Doing that all the time (hopefully that shows).

So where do I go?

Ahhh! Is it so bad that I don't really know? At least in the long run.  409 days until graduation. That's the first step for sure. Education is so important! Teaches you skills that you will use for the rest of your life: discipline, critical thinking, commitment, time management, etc.  (Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 22:6) But that's just over a year away. What then?! Originally I wanted to go to Australia...but what if my music shoots off...or what if it doesn't...do I still leave the States? What about pastoring? I know I've been called to do that. I have opportunity to pastor right after I graduate. Literally. WHAT DO I DO?!!!?!?!?!?

What do I do when I ask Jesus that question and He doesn't seem to answer? That's what it feels like right now.  Perhaps I'm not really listening, that's a very huge possibility...I really REALLY want to be a successful artist...at least semi-successful. :)  But what if you literally don't get an answer (right away, I've found He ALWAYS answers, just not very often in my timing).

You wait. Awesome.

BUT! In your waiting for a direct answer be sure that you also keep walking. Standing still gets you no where. Literally.  Pursue something, anything!! Pursue what you want! If He doesn't want you going that direction He'll let you know quick. Doors will shut, plans will fall through, money won't be there. If He does! You'll find yourself plunking along.

^{Psalms 37:4-5  4} Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. ⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him, and he will help you. (NLT)

In conclusion (so school like), I still don't really know what I'm going to do. And that's okay. I'll finish school while pushing my music "career" and thinking about Australia.  As long as my heart is aligned with His, things will naturally fall into place. I just hope that He'll let me do what I want! If not, I'll be just fine. God's good. :)

Proverbs 3:5-6  ⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. ⁶ Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (NLT)