Complacency

I love running!  I used to hate it.

I started playing soccer young, by the time I was a freshman in high school I was on a select team, spending countless hours a week practicing my skills.  I was determined to become good enough to make a college team. As I played more and more, I was getting better. I wasn't the best, but my determination made me a force to be reckoned with.  Then my sophomore year happened; I rolled my ankle in a small hole and ripped several ligaments. And that was the end.

Why am I telling you this? Well, to provide a little background on why I love running. My recovery took 5 years before I could even run again.  5 years of pain, physical therapy, chiropractors, countless doctors, and complete frustration.  It took a year on the elliptical machine and then 6 months of run/walking.  Finally, September 26th, 2010 I ran a half marathon! 13.1 miles.


Unfortunately, lately I've been very complacent in my running.  Always putting it off "until tomorrow."  It's hard work.  The first month and a half are killer!! No fun. Running is kinda like my walk with God.  Well a lot like it.

My faith is complacent. I go strong for months and months! I conquer something difficult that has taken me months to years to deal with.  Then I slowly quit trying.  It's not that I don't want to be passionate...I just kinda forget.  I get complacent. I assume I'm doing well, why should I fight so hard to find intimacy with God?  Why run when I can walk?

Paul warns us of this complacency in his letter to the Corinthians:

^{1 Corinthians 13 :5 5} Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith. (NLT)

Jesus, Himself, reveals that complacency is an attitude He cannot stand!

Revelation 3:15-16 ¹⁵ “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! ¹⁶ But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" v. 19 "I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference."(NLT)

So now that I've examined myself and see this complacent faith-this faith Christ cannot stand within me-what do I do?

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 ²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. ²⁷ I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. (NLT)

Run hard.  It's not easy. Trust me, I'm struggling right now.  But I want to run to win! God is so full of grace, and it is His grace that lets me get back up.  Search God's heart and know Him.  Desire Him.  Pray and fight for a passionate faith.

2 Corinthians 1: 21-22  "²¹ It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ. He has commissioned us, ²²and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us." (NLT)

Perfection

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Perfection

It's something we all strive for.  Especially us women.  We want perfect bodies, perfect personalities, perfect amount of sexiness and innocence.  We hack at our bodies controlling strictly what we eat, how much we exercise, what products we use in our hair, perfecting our makeup, fixing our wardrobe.  Countless hours are spent in front of our mirrors critiquing, criticizing, tearing apart, and hating what we see.

Guys do the same thing.  Our culture is obsessed with "beauty".  A very specific beauty.  One only the young can attain.  One only those who sacrifice painfully can achieve (did you know there is now a size 00?).  A beauty superficial and broken.  And we all know it...yet we still try to reach it regardless!

Media sells us these "perfect women" who aren't even perfect!! It makes me angry.  Furious.  Women are told that we should be unsatisfied with ourselves until we can reach something that is unattainable.  That we won't be accepted until perfection is reached.  How can we expect depression, eating disorders, and low self-esteem to be conquered if our society won't allow it?

How do we counter culture?

By picking something (Someone) who's above the power of culture.  Jesus.  Allowing ourselves to look through His eyes will enable us to love ourselves.  Refusing a broken society with broken views, and embracing the only True Perfection.
Song of Solomons 4:9 "⁷ You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way."

**Inspiration for this blog came from my Visual Rhetoric class at Western.  We watched this video (note there are some pretty graphic images). I encourage you to check it out!! Then after, punch society in the face.** 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47qkz0IT7IM 

Bottled Emotions

So I had the honor to lead worship at AMPED and LYC (Living Word's middle and high school youth groups) this last Sunday.  Let me tell you, those crazies have energy like no other and I love it!! They make leading worship a breeze.  Which was good because I was held at work 2 hours longer than I had expected and was an hour late to practice. Whoops. But Phil, Sean, Jared and my Dad (sound man!) are amazing and things went awesome. Plus whenever God's in charge things go well. :)

But not only did I get the chance to play guitar and sing, Angel surprised me.  LYC was having a Panel night: several of the leaders sit on a couch up front and students text in questions. Just as they were about to begin Mr. Angel called me up and said I was on the panel. Haha. So that was a fun, last minute, go-with-the-flow evening.

One question that was sent to me via text we weren't able to get to on the panel, but I still feel it's an important issue to address.  So I'll discuss my answer and hopefully you'll get some insight."I'm not the type of person that talks about how I feel when I'm going through a hard time.  So basically I keep everything in side. What do I do?"

This question relates a lot to me.  Not being able to share how I truly feel had been a problem for me all growing up. This surprises a lot of people because everyone says I'm so real, so down to earth.  While yes, now I am and in general I was; letting people know I struggled or hurt was one thing I did not do.  I always put on a smile and faked my way through school, church, even at home with my family.  I struggled with deep depression from as far back as I can remember until just last year.  Not just, "Oh I'm sad..." but "Life sucks and I'm not going to try anymore".  Rough stuff.

The crazy thing was...is!...no one ever knew! Not even my own family.  I was so great at putting up that mask.  It wasn't until just a couple months after I turned 18 that I really began to deal with my crap.  And that's when I began to find healing.  Sharing what I was feeling was a huge factor in that!!!


Bottling emotions inside is never a healthy thing.  Denying that you have feelings of rage, anger, hurt,frustrations, joys betrayal, abandonment, fear, sadness, whatever it might be will create lasting problems in the long run.  Whether you admit to them, they're still there and they'll still affect you, your relationships, and your life.  Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, and/or God allows you to admit those feelings are real. And that you do have them (and it's okay to have them!).  

1 Peter 5:6-7  v. 7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.  
Check out Psalm 77

For me, being real with my feelings started with journaling. I penciled all my feelings, into my journal in prayer form to Jesus.  Then I started talking to my best friends (some of those included my mentors).  There were only a couple people I was real with and they fully supported me.  While they accepted that I had certain feelings and emotions they did not always agree with them.  If I was angry at myself, they would remind me of God's grace.  If I was hating myself, they would tell me they loved me and more importantly that God loves me.  Finally now, I've been able to be real with everyone.

That doesn't mean I go into my life story, examine every emotion in detail, and ask for advice from everyone I run into.  It means when someone asks me how I'm doing and I'm feeling sad, I'll tell them, "Today's not the best."  I don't have to go into detail; when they ask what's wrong I hardly ever say what the root problem is.  I do go in depth with my pastors, my best friends, and my family.

Going through hard times is so much easier when you have a shoulder to lean on.  Especially if that shoulder is grounded in Christ.  Or that shoulder belongs to Christ.  He's the One who will get you through hard times.  He'll provide you with healing and the strength to make it one more day.  Call on Him and He will answer.

Lamentations 3:55-57  ⁵⁵ But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit. ⁵⁶ You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading!  Hear my cry for help! ⁵⁷ Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.”

You Are Worth It

I have this long term, broken relationship with this thing called...
Low Self-Esteem.

This past week has been exceptionally difficult.  Believe or not, I really struggle with liking who I am. And specifically how I look.  You're probably thinking right now, "JESSICA!!! You're crazy!! What are you talking about?!? Shut up!!! You're beautiful inside and out!" All phrases I have heard many times before. And I know they're telling me the truth. Yet my heart still has a difficult time grasping the idea and struggles with agreeing that I'm perfectly fine with the body and looks I have now.  Maybe you understand what I mean, maybe you don't.

Before you judge me and how I struggle with seeing myself through God's, and even other people's eyes, understand that this has been a lifetime battle. Crazy, I know. I'm not going to go into my story as to why that is or how I've gotten out of it (if you want to hear it give me a ring/text/facebook/myspace/twitter (Haha, yay technology!) and we'll meet for coffee and I'll tell you my story in person) but hopefully this gives you a teeny tiny glimpse so you know this lack of self-worth isn't from nowhere. I just don't want to talk about it on the world wide web. Whoops.

So how do we overcome self-hate? How do I? Lord knows its been difficult. Hence I'm struggling with it yet again.  Learning to see myself through His eyes is one of the hardest things ever. But!! It's something that has completely transformed my life.  Yes, I'm struggling this week, but for the past year I've liked who I am and what I see in the mirror for the first time since I was very young!! It's amazing. :)

How have I even gotten this far? I discovered Grace!!!! God's sweet and abounding Grace! Grace for the mistakes I've made. Grace for the wrongs people have done to me. Grace for every ounce of sin that has polluted my body, my thoughts, and just me. The Lord doesn't care and He forgives and He sees you as done and done!!! 

Maybe you're thinking, "Jess, I know this stuff. I hear it at church all the time. What else can I do?". Pray, pray, PRAY! Every moment of every day that your mind is quiet, ask God to change your perspective. I promise it works! Every negative thought, capture it and cry out to the G-Man!  He will give you strength, especially in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).  There is relief from these self-hate thoughts.

Don't give up.

This is going to have to be a 2-part blog!!! Woot!!...? There's so much more to say but I don't like reading long blogs...and I don't want to do that to you. Hopefully these words will get your mind turning, get your soul searching, and push you to get one-on-One with Jesus.  So be on the look out for mas!! In the meantime: here are some sweet verses to ponder.

Psalm 139: 14-15 ¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (NLT) --check out the whole chapter!! Psalm 139

Genesis 1:27  ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (NLT)

1 Peter 2:9 ⁹But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (NIV)

Luke 12:6-7 ⁶ “What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. ⁷ And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. (NLT)

Transparency

To be honest, I didn't want to write this post. It calls out a lot of things in my life...I've started, stopped, restarted, and stopped again. But it's finally done! Read on my friends, read on.

Do you remember the first time you saw a prism? How sweet it was when the light shone through that transparent glass and a rainbow shone on the table! It's amazing! And so beautiful. The key to prisms is they have to be absolutely transparent, or the rainbow won't shine through the other side. (I'm sure there's some awesome scientific explanation...but I'm a Comm major and there's no way I'm diving into that stuff!)

Now on to why I didn't want to start this post...God's called me to live a transparent life. To be as crystal clear as a prism so when Christ shines in me, it shines out in the most beautiful way! What's wrong with that? Nothing! But it's super hard.

Transparency. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary first defines it as being "fine or sheer enough to be seen through." The second definition is "free from pretense or deceit" or "easily detected or seen through." Now honestly, I don't want everyone to see how I live...I'd want to (and did) lie about how I was doing...or what I was doing. Believe it or not, I'm not the nicest person. I criticize, I tear people down (yeah sarcasm...), I'm lazy, I like to wallow in my "down" feelings, I want people to be there for me without me having to be there for them, the list could go on and on and on and on. 

Being transparent is to be free from pretense or deceit, to be easily seen through. That means not hiding my weaknesses and living in a manner that no matter who sees what I'm doing at any given moment, I won't be ashamed.  Oh goodness. Honestly, I wouldn't want any of you to see some of the mistakes I've made over the past year. The way I've governed my private life (whether it be the questionable shows I watch, the way I selfishly govern my relationships, or how I give in to laziness and waste entire days.) hasn't been God honoring.

1 John 1:8-10 ⁸ If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. ⁹ But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts. (NLT)

So here I am, a broken sinner (Now I understand what Paul was saying when he claimed to be the worst of sinners 1 Timothy ). And yet the crazy thing is God still uses me in so many ways! To him I'll always be crystal clear. But it is my aim to run the race with endurance, and do it transparently. So don't hesitate to ask me how I'm doing, and not in the shallow way! Ask me to be transparent with you and I promise I'll try my hardest. If I hesitate, call it out.

I want to shine Jesus so that when His light passes through me all of you get hit with red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet! All the colors, not just one.

Jeremiah 8:4 ⁴ “Jeremiah, say to the people, ‘This is what the Lord says: “‘When people fall down, don’t they get up again?  When they discover they’re on the wrong road, don’t they turn back?"

Closed Fist

I have you ever gotten your hand caught in the cookie jar?

I mean literally. I guess the cookie jar wouldn't work...but for me, I got my hand caught in the candy jar.  You know what jar I'm talking about.  The one where the hole is just big enough to get your hand in, but not big enough so that once you grab a fist full of delicious Tootsie Rolls you can't get your hand out. So infuriating!! Then you realize the only way you can get candy out is to grab one piece of candy at a time...and by then end of the process it's no longer worth it.  You're angry that you've only gotten two pieces out, your hand hurts from trying to force it through the small opening, and your mouth has yet to taste sweet success because you're so busy getting the little pieces of candy out you forget your main goal in the first place!!

It seems like life simulates this scenario all too often.

We want something, but no matter how hard we hold on to it, how hard we pull out, we can't have it. Our hands are literally stuck.  Next thing we know, is we're miserable.  We've got this jar attached to our hand inhibiting us from doing daily activities.  Eating, shaking new acquaintances' hands, opening doors; all become a challenge.

Just like eating with a jar attached to our hand is next to impossible (Assume that both hands are in jars. We're a greedy culture.), so can nourishing our spiritual and emotional health.  When you hold on to a relationship, a dream, a plan that God has called you to let go, you'll only inhibit your life. Holding onto what you cannot have begins to harden your heart.  You become angry and hopeless because something that you want so desperately is in your hands, yet you are still unable to attain because your hand is stuck in a jar.  You begin to question God because you feel like you have a right (Is it not in your hand? Do you not have your fist wrapped tightly around it?).  Soon spiritual and emotional growth stop; you're so focused on what's "rightfully" yours and you wait for God to fully give it to you, and when He doesn't, you assume that you're doing something wrong.  Growth stops because you refuse to let it happen.
(Luke 9:23-25)

Keeping our fist in the jar also keeps us from meeting new people. Especially when we hold onto relationships. You can't shake someone's hand when yours is surrounded by glass. I know this from experience.  You hold onto a relationship, you hope that God will heal it the easy way, that things will go "back to normal", so you don't let go.  Meanwhile, all these amazing, new people are asking to shake your hand, but you won't get rid of that jar.  Perhaps the only way things can go "back to normal" is to let the one you love and care about to move on.
(Matthew 16:24-27)

Finally, having that jar on our hand inhibits us from opening doors.  We're so wrapped up in our predetermined plans that if God provides new opportunities we refuse to jump on them because we want what we almost have, but not quite.  Perhaps God is asking that you to join a small group, join a ministry, enter leadership, take a risk.  You have to let go of what you want in order to do His will.
(Proverbs 3:3-6)

Paul reminds us not to keep our fist in the jar.
Hebrews 3:12, 14-15 ¹² Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. ¹⁴ For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ. ¹⁵ Remember what it says: “Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled.” (NLT)

Instead we are to surrender everything to Him.
Romans 12:1  ¹ And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. (NLT)
(If you want to read more on my thoughts about surrendering, check out this blog entry!)

And in the end, we all know that letting go of our fist full of candy is worth it.  It obviously makes sense that if we just let go, we can get our hands out, feed ourselves, meet new people, and open new doors. And yet why are we still so stubborn to hold onto what's keeping us stuck?  Perhaps we're afraid.  Afraid that if we let go we'll lose it forever.  And there's a good chance that's true. But is losing it not worth the gain we'll get from following God's perfect plan?


Yeah, maybe we won't get those Tootsie Rolls.  But we will get what God has intended for us! Which is infinitely better.  It's like comparing Tootsie Rolls to Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream, which everyone knows there's nothing better than a hot slice of homemade apple pie with a scoop of cold vanilla ice cream!!!

Goodbye Tootsie Rolls. Hello Apple Pie Ala Mode!!!

1 Peter 1:6-7 ⁶ So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. ⁷ These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (NLT)

Winter Returns. And So Does Apathy.

Hey all of my blog viewers. (Which probably means just Phil.) ;)

It's been a long time coming....over a month since my last blog. Life's been busy. And crazy. I'm taking 16 credits this quarter and plan to take 17 credits every quarter until graduation in June 2011. Which really isn't that far away. I'm playing Ultimate Frisbee, which is a blast! But after a tournament yesterday, my legs and joints are feeling it. Nothing like a hot bubble bath to melt away soreness!

I did get dreads during Christmas break! But alas, my Asian hair and inability to stay committed to the dreads is showing as they fall out of their knots. Dreads are very high maintenance the first couple months...and honestly, I'm just too lazy. So we'll see how much longer they'll last, I doubt not much more than a week. So be on the lookout for a brand new hair style!



Now on to what God has been doing. He continues to stretch me way beyond my bounds in this season of life. My walk has been struggling. Not struggling in the way that I'm losing faith, but struggling with apathy and contentment. And contentment in not a good way. Rather than seeking God and searching His heart, I find myself content with my mediocre season in my walk. I find myself feeling "fine" and not digging deeper. Content with merely arriving to service minutes before it starts and leaving seconds after it's over. Content in reading devos, scribbling down my "SOAP", and then moving on to homework. Content in singing Christian songs but not entering into a place of worship. Content with my feelings of loneliness and instead of searching out relationship, wallowing in my own aloneness.

I find myself in a place of contentment....that is not at all fulfilling or pleasing.
So what now? How do I pull myself out of a place apathy? How do I renew my waning passion?

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure. Some possible solutions include as such:
Fellowship: Western is an amazing school, unfortunately it has been difficult to find good fellowship, to establish solid relationships that challenge me in my faith. I need to search out a small group and seek friendships with those who can help establish me in my faith and push me to grow.
Scripture: Yes, I do my daily devos. But often I find myself reading the "bare necessities" and then moving on to my academic readings. Do I really dive into the Word? Not at all.
Prayer: I find this one to be the most important. In my devos, of course I do the "P" to my SOAP journaling but how many times do I really call out to my God? Pray about those I love? Pray for my school, my church, my friends and family? Prayer is more than just putting aside 5 minutes a day to go down your list, it's spending time in your relationship with God.

The past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me. While I find great excitement in living on my own, moving away from home, and being my own person (and trust me, I do!!), transition is difficult. As winter comes, so does the repeating pattern of mild depression. Or maybe not so mild. But as much as I struggle, I know God has me and will never forsake me.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.