Complacency

I love running!  I used to hate it.

I started playing soccer young, by the time I was a freshman in high school I was on a select team, spending countless hours a week practicing my skills.  I was determined to become good enough to make a college team. As I played more and more, I was getting better. I wasn't the best, but my determination made me a force to be reckoned with.  Then my sophomore year happened; I rolled my ankle in a small hole and ripped several ligaments. And that was the end.

Why am I telling you this? Well, to provide a little background on why I love running. My recovery took 5 years before I could even run again.  5 years of pain, physical therapy, chiropractors, countless doctors, and complete frustration.  It took a year on the elliptical machine and then 6 months of run/walking.  Finally, September 26th, 2010 I ran a half marathon! 13.1 miles.


Unfortunately, lately I've been very complacent in my running.  Always putting it off "until tomorrow."  It's hard work.  The first month and a half are killer!! No fun. Running is kinda like my walk with God.  Well a lot like it.

My faith is complacent. I go strong for months and months! I conquer something difficult that has taken me months to years to deal with.  Then I slowly quit trying.  It's not that I don't want to be passionate...I just kinda forget.  I get complacent. I assume I'm doing well, why should I fight so hard to find intimacy with God?  Why run when I can walk?

Paul warns us of this complacency in his letter to the Corinthians:

^{1 Corinthians 13 :5 5} Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith. (NLT)

Jesus, Himself, reveals that complacency is an attitude He cannot stand!

Revelation 3:15-16 ¹⁵ “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! ¹⁶ But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" v. 19 "I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference."(NLT)

So now that I've examined myself and see this complacent faith-this faith Christ cannot stand within me-what do I do?

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 ²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. ²⁷ I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. (NLT)

Run hard.  It's not easy. Trust me, I'm struggling right now.  But I want to run to win! God is so full of grace, and it is His grace that lets me get back up.  Search God's heart and know Him.  Desire Him.  Pray and fight for a passionate faith.

2 Corinthians 1: 21-22  "²¹ It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ. He has commissioned us, ²²and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us." (NLT)

"Future Talk" Again?

I'm getting so bad at this consistent blogging thing...maybe it's because last week was my H. E. Double Hockey Sticks week!!! Crazy. I relearned why I don't procrastinate all three of my major papers 'til end of the quarter, days before they're due....never again!

Alas...last week got even better when I failed my motorcycle endorsement course. Whoops.   I failed because I wiped out on the last day. Okay, okay "wiped out" may be too strong of words. But basically I took a turn too tight and too fast, the back wheel spun out, and the bike fell on its side...and on my leg. I'm fine!!! Just got some nice road rash, couple of bruises, pulled a muscle or two, and might have shattered my pride.

So how do I deal with failure? Not very well. I don't like to lose. Don't like to fail. Don't like being told no (It's funny how low self-esteem and pride go hand-in-hand).  It's frustrating when you have plans and they don't work out exactly as planned. Like planning on driving a motorcycle but then failing to earn the license. Sad day! Or perhaps planning on attending Biola University in LA. Or maybe going to Australia to Hillsong College.  Or  recording a demo, putting it on the internet, getting thousands of fans, and scoring a record label. Funny how life doesn't happen the way we mapped it out when we sat down at our kitchen table 5 weeks ago. 5 months ago. Maybe 5 years ago.

In the book of James we're directed to not boast about what we're going to do tomorrow or where we're going to go.
James 4:13-16 ¹³ Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” ¹⁴ How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. ¹⁵ What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil. (NLT)

Plans often don't work out the way we intend them. Instead God opens and closes doors to match His will for your life.  I go to Western Washington University, and trust me, it wasn't my first choice.  But I love the campus up here! God's teaching me amazing things! And I'm meeting people who are pushing me in my musical abilities. It's incredible.  God completely shut my plans to attend a Christian University. Did He stop my desire to be a pastor? Did He shut down my desire to pursue music? No way!! I know God's called me to pastor His people and to d0 what I love, music. I'm just taking a different route then might be typically be expected. 

Jeremiah 17:7-8  ⁷ “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. ⁸ They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit. (NLT)

No matter where I go I know God's going to bless me as long as I remain in His will. As long as my roots are deep in His waters no matter what is thrown at me I'll make it through.  Failing a driving course, failing to write a song every week, failing to score a label, failing in a relationship,  failing to do everything exactly as I have planned isn't going to make me fade away.  My roots are in Christ. My hope and confidence is in His will for my life. When droughts hit me, I'll stay strong.

So I know I've been talking about my future plans a lot...I'm a college student, it's what we do. But I need to more readily realize that I don't need to focus completely on the future and what I'm going to do or what I want to do.  He'll open and close doors.  So hopefully my blog posts will stop being about knowing or not knowing my future and start being about what I'm going through right now.

But yes.

Thanks for reading my ridiculous and crazy thoughts! I so appreciate all the love you show.  Knowing you read my blog makes me feel fuzzy and warm inside. :)

Jeremiah 9:24 ²⁴ But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord, have spoken! (NLT)

You Are Worth It

I have this long term, broken relationship with this thing called...
Low Self-Esteem.

This past week has been exceptionally difficult.  Believe or not, I really struggle with liking who I am. And specifically how I look.  You're probably thinking right now, "JESSICA!!! You're crazy!! What are you talking about?!? Shut up!!! You're beautiful inside and out!" All phrases I have heard many times before. And I know they're telling me the truth. Yet my heart still has a difficult time grasping the idea and struggles with agreeing that I'm perfectly fine with the body and looks I have now.  Maybe you understand what I mean, maybe you don't.

Before you judge me and how I struggle with seeing myself through God's, and even other people's eyes, understand that this has been a lifetime battle. Crazy, I know. I'm not going to go into my story as to why that is or how I've gotten out of it (if you want to hear it give me a ring/text/facebook/myspace/twitter (Haha, yay technology!) and we'll meet for coffee and I'll tell you my story in person) but hopefully this gives you a teeny tiny glimpse so you know this lack of self-worth isn't from nowhere. I just don't want to talk about it on the world wide web. Whoops.

So how do we overcome self-hate? How do I? Lord knows its been difficult. Hence I'm struggling with it yet again.  Learning to see myself through His eyes is one of the hardest things ever. But!! It's something that has completely transformed my life.  Yes, I'm struggling this week, but for the past year I've liked who I am and what I see in the mirror for the first time since I was very young!! It's amazing. :)

How have I even gotten this far? I discovered Grace!!!! God's sweet and abounding Grace! Grace for the mistakes I've made. Grace for the wrongs people have done to me. Grace for every ounce of sin that has polluted my body, my thoughts, and just me. The Lord doesn't care and He forgives and He sees you as done and done!!! 

Maybe you're thinking, "Jess, I know this stuff. I hear it at church all the time. What else can I do?". Pray, pray, PRAY! Every moment of every day that your mind is quiet, ask God to change your perspective. I promise it works! Every negative thought, capture it and cry out to the G-Man!  He will give you strength, especially in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).  There is relief from these self-hate thoughts.

Don't give up.

This is going to have to be a 2-part blog!!! Woot!!...? There's so much more to say but I don't like reading long blogs...and I don't want to do that to you. Hopefully these words will get your mind turning, get your soul searching, and push you to get one-on-One with Jesus.  So be on the look out for mas!! In the meantime: here are some sweet verses to ponder.

Psalm 139: 14-15 ¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (NLT) --check out the whole chapter!! Psalm 139

Genesis 1:27  ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (NLT)

1 Peter 2:9 ⁹But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (NIV)

Luke 12:6-7 ⁶ “What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. ⁷ And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. (NLT)

Forky Rd.

If you haven't noticed...I haven't been very prolific in my writing of blogs. Life is crazy! School, work, school, music, did I mention school? All of my brain power has been focused on school...and to be honest, my song writing.  Which is awesome!

April 24th, Saturday night, I had my first "mini-concert". Let me say, it was amazing! Everyone who came blessed me and Jared so much! Asking for a CD, where to download, when my next concert was. Sooo cool. But with all this awesomeness, I'm left with the question: what direction do I take? But isn't that always the question?

School. I've got to finish school. Australia. I SO want to go to Australia.  Music! I want to do music for the rest of my life (God willing, please!!!). Pastor. God's called me, but timeline, I'm not so sure what that is. Love people. Easy! Doing that all the time (hopefully that shows).

So where do I go?

Ahhh! Is it so bad that I don't really know? At least in the long run.  409 days until graduation. That's the first step for sure. Education is so important! Teaches you skills that you will use for the rest of your life: discipline, critical thinking, commitment, time management, etc.  (Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 22:6) But that's just over a year away. What then?! Originally I wanted to go to Australia...but what if my music shoots off...or what if it doesn't...do I still leave the States? What about pastoring? I know I've been called to do that. I have opportunity to pastor right after I graduate. Literally. WHAT DO I DO?!!!?!?!?!?

What do I do when I ask Jesus that question and He doesn't seem to answer? That's what it feels like right now.  Perhaps I'm not really listening, that's a very huge possibility...I really REALLY want to be a successful artist...at least semi-successful. :)  But what if you literally don't get an answer (right away, I've found He ALWAYS answers, just not very often in my timing).

You wait. Awesome.

BUT! In your waiting for a direct answer be sure that you also keep walking. Standing still gets you no where. Literally.  Pursue something, anything!! Pursue what you want! If He doesn't want you going that direction He'll let you know quick. Doors will shut, plans will fall through, money won't be there. If He does! You'll find yourself plunking along.

^{Psalms 37:4-5  4} Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. ⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him, and he will help you. (NLT)

In conclusion (so school like), I still don't really know what I'm going to do. And that's okay. I'll finish school while pushing my music "career" and thinking about Australia.  As long as my heart is aligned with His, things will naturally fall into place. I just hope that He'll let me do what I want! If not, I'll be just fine. God's good. :)

Proverbs 3:5-6  ⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. ⁶ Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (NLT)

Transparency 2.0

First 2-part blog ever! ...well for me. I feel like there were several things left unsaid in Transparency.

I need to clarify the how of living a transparent life.  Many Christians today take this concept of living transparent to a lawful extreme, which is everything Paul teaches against in his letters.  A little background before I continue, I'm taking New Testament/Early Christianity at my secular college, Western Washington University. And it is quite interesting I do have to say.  To study the Bible in a "pure academic" sense...well I tried...but having the Spirit of God in me makes it absolutely impossible. No matter what I read, God's grace and love shines through and out and around, and it's kinda funny (and completely awesome!) to hear my non-Christian professors preaching God's word. Love it!

What I've been learning in this class is what Paul's main message was, what my professor would call "his version of Christianity". Paul was all about faith and grace, and none about works and the law. In Galatians 3 Paul clearly states that righteousness does not come from fulfilling the law, but through faith.  'Righteousness' is the same Greek word for 'Justified'.  And 'Faith' in Greek also means 'trust' and 'belief'. Paul is saying we are justified through trusting God, having faith in Christ's resurrection. And in fact, Paul even says the law is no longer valid because of the Cross and Christ changing reality (which He indeed did change).

So while I've been talking about needing to live a life that is transparent, I want you to know that it is not because of the law that I'm choosing to live this way.  I'm choosing to live this way because I have the Spirit of God present in my life, and that alone begins to change my actions from the inside out. While we are not required to do anything by the law for salvation, it does not mean we should do anything and everything we want (especially what our flesh wants).

1 Corinthians 6:12-13 ¹² You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. ¹³ You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. (NLT)

There is a "delicate balance between Freedom in Christ and living how Paul wants us to live" so says my professor. And while that might seem like an obvious statement, if you love the Lord then it's going to be easy.  By transforming your heart to His, by letting Him mold you and shape you, you'll find yourself wanting to live by the Spirit. You have Christ in you! He's leading and guiding you, and as you grow closer to Him you'll find yourself wanting the same things He wants.

So while I'm called to a transparent life, I do not need to be lawful about it. If I mess up 

(which I will, trust me.) God's going to provide me grace. Like I said in my last post, Jesus already sees me as transparent. To Him I'm already crystal clear because His death paid for every blemish and impurity.  But because I'm already crystal clear to Him, I want to live a life that reflects His Spirit in me.

Galatians 3:24-29 ²⁴ Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. ²⁵ And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian.  ²⁶ For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. ²⁷ And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes. ²⁸ There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. ²⁹ And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

Transparency

To be honest, I didn't want to write this post. It calls out a lot of things in my life...I've started, stopped, restarted, and stopped again. But it's finally done! Read on my friends, read on.

Do you remember the first time you saw a prism? How sweet it was when the light shone through that transparent glass and a rainbow shone on the table! It's amazing! And so beautiful. The key to prisms is they have to be absolutely transparent, or the rainbow won't shine through the other side. (I'm sure there's some awesome scientific explanation...but I'm a Comm major and there's no way I'm diving into that stuff!)

Now on to why I didn't want to start this post...God's called me to live a transparent life. To be as crystal clear as a prism so when Christ shines in me, it shines out in the most beautiful way! What's wrong with that? Nothing! But it's super hard.

Transparency. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary first defines it as being "fine or sheer enough to be seen through." The second definition is "free from pretense or deceit" or "easily detected or seen through." Now honestly, I don't want everyone to see how I live...I'd want to (and did) lie about how I was doing...or what I was doing. Believe it or not, I'm not the nicest person. I criticize, I tear people down (yeah sarcasm...), I'm lazy, I like to wallow in my "down" feelings, I want people to be there for me without me having to be there for them, the list could go on and on and on and on. 

Being transparent is to be free from pretense or deceit, to be easily seen through. That means not hiding my weaknesses and living in a manner that no matter who sees what I'm doing at any given moment, I won't be ashamed.  Oh goodness. Honestly, I wouldn't want any of you to see some of the mistakes I've made over the past year. The way I've governed my private life (whether it be the questionable shows I watch, the way I selfishly govern my relationships, or how I give in to laziness and waste entire days.) hasn't been God honoring.

1 John 1:8-10 ⁸ If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. ⁹ But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts. (NLT)

So here I am, a broken sinner (Now I understand what Paul was saying when he claimed to be the worst of sinners 1 Timothy ). And yet the crazy thing is God still uses me in so many ways! To him I'll always be crystal clear. But it is my aim to run the race with endurance, and do it transparently. So don't hesitate to ask me how I'm doing, and not in the shallow way! Ask me to be transparent with you and I promise I'll try my hardest. If I hesitate, call it out.

I want to shine Jesus so that when His light passes through me all of you get hit with red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet! All the colors, not just one.

Jeremiah 8:4 ⁴ “Jeremiah, say to the people, ‘This is what the Lord says: “‘When people fall down, don’t they get up again?  When they discover they’re on the wrong road, don’t they turn back?"

My First Love

Motivation. Endurance. Fight. Keep running! Don't give up. Even Dory's "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming..." Doesn't anyone want to just give up sometimes?! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world who wants to give up.

But in hearing my internal voice asking to give up, I questioned myself as to why I would think that. For me, it all boils down to that first word. Motivation.  What motivates me? Do I even have any motivation left? After hearing Pastor Ryan speak on living for Christ and what drives us to do so, I really had to re-examine my heart and find what my motivation to follow Jesus was.  Even my motivation to keep going on the path God has laid out for me. Honestly, I've never wanted to quit anything as badly as I've wanted to quit school. Quit Bellingham. Quit Washington. This quarter has sucked.  But tangent! Back to my heart question: what motivates me?

"Well to be a good Christian right?" "To know about Jesus more?" "To graduate so I can do what God has called me to do?" <------- These seem like reasonable reasons. I mean, aren't we called to be good Christians? Doesn't Jesus want us to know His Word, know what He did, know what He wants of us? Shouldn't making it through these next 459 days until graduation so I can go to Australia, where God has called me, be a good reason to keep persevering?

Maybe.

Actually not at all. Yes, they seem like very good reasons to keep just keep going; staying in this race even if I'm just walking.  But those things will never be able to motivate me to the point where I can keep walking. Knowing about God isn't going to sustain me (Before you turn off your computer, throw it across the room, and yell that Jessica is a heretic, please just keep reading! I'm making a point.). Yes it's important, but it's not the most important! Jesus calls us to remain in Him and His love, not "remain in knowledge about Me." (John 15).  Am I saying don't read the Bible? HECK NO! Devos are my favorite thing to do! And getting in the Word is essential to growth.  But! We have to be sure that our only motivation is to love and follow Him.

Let me give you another example from my life.  The past couple months, my motivations have been "to be a good Christian, to be the best worship leader I can be (And not in a prideful way. My heart really wants to worship God and bring people to His throne with me out of the way), and to get through college so I can be a pastor: God's calling on my life."  Can you see the problem with these statements? They all involve works, in doing something!

Ephesians 2:8-9 ⁸ God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. ⁹ Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. (NLT)

Christianity isn't about works, contrary to popular beliefs and ideals. It's ALL about the relationship we have with God.  No matter what we do, good or bad, it will never affect the way He loves and wants us. He loved us before we even thought about loving Him back. 1 John 4:19.

Revelation 2:2-4 ²I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. ³You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. ⁴Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. (NIV)

I don't say that I've forsaken Jesus...but I have not made Him my first love. Oh He was up there all right, but He had competition. And that should not be so! I have been focusing on finishing school and being a good Christian so much that I forgot to focus solely on Him!!  This is why I haven't been motivated. My motivation came from something other than Jesus.

So what motivates you? Being the best Christian you can possibly be? Doing well in school? Pleasing family and friends? Pleasing pastors? Does the feeling of satisfaction (or the hope for that feeling) motivate you? Graduating school? Making it out of your hometown? Reaching that next level in faith? Pursuing your future? Perhaps that future that God has called you to.  None of these things can keep you running. The only thing that counts is to love and follow Jesus. Jesus!  Just love Him.  We always say that Jesus should be your #1, but in reality, He should be your only One.

Love and Follow Him and everything else will fall into place by His will. You'll be that mature Christian by default. You'll graduate because you're pursuing Him and that gives you the strength to keep going. You'll accomplish the goals and plans God has placed in your heart because all of the sudden the means to accomplish those goals will be provided by Him.  But  He has to be your Motivation. He has to be your First Love.


Hebrews 12:1-2 ¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. (NLT)

Quitter? Perhaps. Loser? No way.

I started this week off feeling like a loser. Or better yet, a quitter. 
This weekend I had to tell my Ultimate team, Chaos, that I couldn't play anymore. I quit.
Also this weekend, I got rid of my dreads.  I quit.
School has become so boring and uninteresting that I wanted to quit.

But all of my "giving up's" are not really giving up.  This week after writing my last blog I've been praying and searching God on what I should do, where I should go, and how I should think.  Quitting was the answer.  Or maybe "quitting" is the wrong word.  Re-prioritizing.  Let me share with you what my priorities have been since starting school:

1.  School
2.  Ultimate
3.  Family
4.  God
5.  Relationships

Pretty jacked up.  In reality, this is what my priorities should be:

1.  God
2.  Family
3.  School (unfortunately yes....still up there.)
4.  Relationships that push me to grow
5.  Ultimate

Now recently, my family has been dealing with some tough stuff.  My Dad lost his job and found a new one within his company, all in a three-weeks span.  He is now in St. Lewis and will work their until the end of May in hopes that they will transfer him back to Oak Harbor.
For the past five months school has been my main focus.  I've ignored going to church, ignored trying to gain new relationships, and ignored going back home to support my family. All for silly 'A' grades.  "C's get degrees!" says Phil, and that is some advice I need to be taking.  My relationship with Jesus needs to be first.  Again, apathy is not okay!  Relationship with Christ is more than 15 minutes doing devos and then being "done" for the day.  Being there for my family, even if that means driving back home several times a month to help my mom out, is more important that Microeconomics.  Finishing my homework to pass my classes is more essential than playing Ultimate.  And spending time dreading my hair when I could be doing anything else is a waste of time! 
My calling is to be a pastor; to challenge people in their faith, to help them enter the throne room of God, to share His heart with everyone I meet.  But to get to that full-time 'job' I need the tools to get there.  God's called me to Western.  To be a student, to learn and grow, and to get my B.A. in Communications.  I also believe wholeheartedly that He's called me to go to Hillsong in Sydney, Australia.  But to get there I have to finish here first.  I have to get my priorities straight.  Finances are not a guarantee anymore, and getting a job is pertinent.  But more than that is being there for my Mom, my Brother, and my Sister.  And more than my family is searching God's heart and answering His call. 

Yeah, so I quit my awesome dreads for an awesome new hairstyle! 
And yeah, so I can't play with Chaos anymore, but I can exercise on my own. And! I can be a faithful, young woman of God and support my family when they need me most.
And yeah! So I'm Asian and I'm not getting straight A's anymore!
God's my #1.  And He's going to stay there.


Romans 8:35-37    
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

Winter Returns. And So Does Apathy.

Hey all of my blog viewers. (Which probably means just Phil.) ;)

It's been a long time coming....over a month since my last blog. Life's been busy. And crazy. I'm taking 16 credits this quarter and plan to take 17 credits every quarter until graduation in June 2011. Which really isn't that far away. I'm playing Ultimate Frisbee, which is a blast! But after a tournament yesterday, my legs and joints are feeling it. Nothing like a hot bubble bath to melt away soreness!

I did get dreads during Christmas break! But alas, my Asian hair and inability to stay committed to the dreads is showing as they fall out of their knots. Dreads are very high maintenance the first couple months...and honestly, I'm just too lazy. So we'll see how much longer they'll last, I doubt not much more than a week. So be on the lookout for a brand new hair style!



Now on to what God has been doing. He continues to stretch me way beyond my bounds in this season of life. My walk has been struggling. Not struggling in the way that I'm losing faith, but struggling with apathy and contentment. And contentment in not a good way. Rather than seeking God and searching His heart, I find myself content with my mediocre season in my walk. I find myself feeling "fine" and not digging deeper. Content with merely arriving to service minutes before it starts and leaving seconds after it's over. Content in reading devos, scribbling down my "SOAP", and then moving on to homework. Content in singing Christian songs but not entering into a place of worship. Content with my feelings of loneliness and instead of searching out relationship, wallowing in my own aloneness.

I find myself in a place of contentment....that is not at all fulfilling or pleasing.
So what now? How do I pull myself out of a place apathy? How do I renew my waning passion?

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure. Some possible solutions include as such:
Fellowship: Western is an amazing school, unfortunately it has been difficult to find good fellowship, to establish solid relationships that challenge me in my faith. I need to search out a small group and seek friendships with those who can help establish me in my faith and push me to grow.
Scripture: Yes, I do my daily devos. But often I find myself reading the "bare necessities" and then moving on to my academic readings. Do I really dive into the Word? Not at all.
Prayer: I find this one to be the most important. In my devos, of course I do the "P" to my SOAP journaling but how many times do I really call out to my God? Pray about those I love? Pray for my school, my church, my friends and family? Prayer is more than just putting aside 5 minutes a day to go down your list, it's spending time in your relationship with God.

The past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me. While I find great excitement in living on my own, moving away from home, and being my own person (and trust me, I do!!), transition is difficult. As winter comes, so does the repeating pattern of mild depression. Or maybe not so mild. But as much as I struggle, I know God has me and will never forsake me.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Alone? Or Lonliness?

I have recently been savoring a book given to me by one of my best friends Liz called The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord.

“Could it be possible that being alone does not have to mean that you are lonely?”

I’ve read this book before. I’ve read countless lines like this before. But in the season of life I am in now, the timing of this sentence could never have been more perfect. “Could it be possible that being alone does not have to mean that you are lonely?” I know it is not just possible, I know it can be true.

Everything about this next leg of this race is new for me. After 19 years, I no longer live with my family, no longer live in Oak Harbor, no longer have a solid church family right at my doorsteps, and I am no longer in an easy, comfortable place. And though I have felt a much deeper loneliness before, I still feel alone at times. Transition has been more of a challenge than I had anticipated. I am very blessed and I have family and friends who support me no matter what, but yet, sometimes I still feel isolated. Perhaps it is because I do not see them on a daily or even weekly basis. Regardless, I have been struggling with feeling alone. It is not the “I don’t have enough social time” or “I need to hang out” lonliness, but something deeper. I have been realizing that over the past year or so I had been fighting my “loneliness” with being social. I was spending as much time as I could with people so I wouldn’t feel lonesome. But that wasn’t it. It was not until I was forced into many quiet alone times (ironically) that I have discovered what the issue was. I was searching for community, friendship, relationship in people before I was searching for it in God. I took times of aloneness as a sort of solitary confinement; something that I could not enjoy. But now I realize that alone time is a time for growth. To be drawn closer to God.

Hosea 2:14 “But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there,” (NLT)

Hosea 2:14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Will bring her into the wilderness, And speak comfort to her.” (NKJV)

Jesus is leading me to the desert, to the wilderness. It is here that He will draw me in, comfort me, and push me beyond what I perceive is possible. I’m being lead to aloneness, and I’m excited.

I am alone frequently. But I am no longer lonely.

Procrastination at its Finest.

No, not really.

But school is boring. I find myself having to write a rhetorical reading analysis on two articles addressing the issues of packaging of food and what is has done to our society…and I don’t want to. Although I find the reading very interesting and the assignment relatively easy, I seem to have been stricken with a nasty disorder: laziness.

So here I am, sitting at my desk, in my nice folding chair, listening to my playlist (that includes Paramore, Emery, The Classic Crime, and others that make up the back bone of my music), and writing about basically nothing. At least it’s better than being on Facebook (which is going under “routine maintenance”) refreshing my home page over and over, waiting for a status to comment on. As I was sitting here, contemplating on what to write on, a thought came up on how God uses our failures and mistakes. How God chooses to redeem us! And not just once, after we’ve said the “Jesus, come into my heart” prayer, but on a daily basis. And He doesn’t just redeem our mistakes, but others as well. When people hurt and fail us. When they abandon us. When they break our confidence (intentional or not). Our Father redeems that too! Though He does not plan pain for us (Jeremiah 29:11-13), He will use everything for the good (Ephesians 1:11). He’s taken my insecurities, wounds, disappointments and used them to reach out to others. Because of the experiences I’ve had, I am more able to relate and empathize with others. In essence, He takes our piles of ashes and turns them into crowns.

He does this for His own Glory. That we, broken vessels, can be used for good. Even though we’re not perfect, cracked in fact, He’s given himself to us!

2 Corinthians 4:7-9 7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. NLT (emphasis added)





So in procrastinating my homework, I have stumbled upon a truth that comes up over and over in my life. And instead of indulging on these concepts by myself, I decided to share them with you.


Now….back to homework…