You Are Worth It

I have this long term, broken relationship with this thing called...
Low Self-Esteem.

This past week has been exceptionally difficult.  Believe or not, I really struggle with liking who I am. And specifically how I look.  You're probably thinking right now, "JESSICA!!! You're crazy!! What are you talking about?!? Shut up!!! You're beautiful inside and out!" All phrases I have heard many times before. And I know they're telling me the truth. Yet my heart still has a difficult time grasping the idea and struggles with agreeing that I'm perfectly fine with the body and looks I have now.  Maybe you understand what I mean, maybe you don't.

Before you judge me and how I struggle with seeing myself through God's, and even other people's eyes, understand that this has been a lifetime battle. Crazy, I know. I'm not going to go into my story as to why that is or how I've gotten out of it (if you want to hear it give me a ring/text/facebook/myspace/twitter (Haha, yay technology!) and we'll meet for coffee and I'll tell you my story in person) but hopefully this gives you a teeny tiny glimpse so you know this lack of self-worth isn't from nowhere. I just don't want to talk about it on the world wide web. Whoops.

So how do we overcome self-hate? How do I? Lord knows its been difficult. Hence I'm struggling with it yet again.  Learning to see myself through His eyes is one of the hardest things ever. But!! It's something that has completely transformed my life.  Yes, I'm struggling this week, but for the past year I've liked who I am and what I see in the mirror for the first time since I was very young!! It's amazing. :)

How have I even gotten this far? I discovered Grace!!!! God's sweet and abounding Grace! Grace for the mistakes I've made. Grace for the wrongs people have done to me. Grace for every ounce of sin that has polluted my body, my thoughts, and just me. The Lord doesn't care and He forgives and He sees you as done and done!!! 

Maybe you're thinking, "Jess, I know this stuff. I hear it at church all the time. What else can I do?". Pray, pray, PRAY! Every moment of every day that your mind is quiet, ask God to change your perspective. I promise it works! Every negative thought, capture it and cry out to the G-Man!  He will give you strength, especially in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).  There is relief from these self-hate thoughts.

Don't give up.

This is going to have to be a 2-part blog!!! Woot!!...? There's so much more to say but I don't like reading long blogs...and I don't want to do that to you. Hopefully these words will get your mind turning, get your soul searching, and push you to get one-on-One with Jesus.  So be on the look out for mas!! In the meantime: here are some sweet verses to ponder.

Psalm 139: 14-15 ¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (NLT) --check out the whole chapter!! Psalm 139

Genesis 1:27  ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (NLT)

1 Peter 2:9 ⁹But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (NIV)

Luke 12:6-7 ⁶ “What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. ⁷ And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. (NLT)

Beside You

Today I found myself thinking about the song Beside You by Marianas Trench . Then I started thinking about my blog post Alone? Or Loneliness? I thanked God that I had Him. That I was indeed not alone. But then I started thinking about those who do not understand The Father who loves them. They have no clue that they are loved in an incredible way. I started to consider that when they’re alone and people fail them, they do not have Jesus to lean on. Then I started wondering if I am a person who's willing to stand beside someone even if their world is falling apart.

Am I willing to hold someone who's falling apart? Do I attempt to comfort those who are hurt? Am I one who tries to comfort those who cannot be comforted? Do I cry with those who don’t have enough tears? Am I reaching out to a broken world?

And even more than just reaching out. Am I showing them a Jesus who can comfort and heal when all else fails?

Matthew 5:3-8

3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.

Beside You -- Marianas Trench
When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is to just be still for a while

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
Where the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud




Jesus has called us to reach out. To show His face and be His hands. To comfort others.
So if your heart wears thin I will hold you up and I will hide you when it gets too much.
I'll be right beside you.

Alone? Or Lonliness?

I have recently been savoring a book given to me by one of my best friends Liz called The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord.

“Could it be possible that being alone does not have to mean that you are lonely?”

I’ve read this book before. I’ve read countless lines like this before. But in the season of life I am in now, the timing of this sentence could never have been more perfect. “Could it be possible that being alone does not have to mean that you are lonely?” I know it is not just possible, I know it can be true.

Everything about this next leg of this race is new for me. After 19 years, I no longer live with my family, no longer live in Oak Harbor, no longer have a solid church family right at my doorsteps, and I am no longer in an easy, comfortable place. And though I have felt a much deeper loneliness before, I still feel alone at times. Transition has been more of a challenge than I had anticipated. I am very blessed and I have family and friends who support me no matter what, but yet, sometimes I still feel isolated. Perhaps it is because I do not see them on a daily or even weekly basis. Regardless, I have been struggling with feeling alone. It is not the “I don’t have enough social time” or “I need to hang out” lonliness, but something deeper. I have been realizing that over the past year or so I had been fighting my “loneliness” with being social. I was spending as much time as I could with people so I wouldn’t feel lonesome. But that wasn’t it. It was not until I was forced into many quiet alone times (ironically) that I have discovered what the issue was. I was searching for community, friendship, relationship in people before I was searching for it in God. I took times of aloneness as a sort of solitary confinement; something that I could not enjoy. But now I realize that alone time is a time for growth. To be drawn closer to God.

Hosea 2:14 “But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there,” (NLT)

Hosea 2:14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Will bring her into the wilderness, And speak comfort to her.” (NKJV)

Jesus is leading me to the desert, to the wilderness. It is here that He will draw me in, comfort me, and push me beyond what I perceive is possible. I’m being lead to aloneness, and I’m excited.

I am alone frequently. But I am no longer lonely.

"My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between."

Have you ever questioned God, asked Him where He or His Love is? "Why did this have to happen?", "Why am I still hurting?", "Why am I suffering?", "Where are You when I need You most?".

I am most positive that at some point you have. I have. We all have. I doubt Him much more than I should. God's plan swings a certain way, it hurts, and I don't get it. Things happen that I don't want. Faith becomes a little bit harder; loving others becomes a battle. And yet through all my suffering and pain: through my confusion and uncertainty, I know God will remain faithful.

This morning's devos:

James 5:11 (NKJV)
Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord-that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.

If you've heard the story of Job, you'll know that he was a Godly man. (Check out the book of Job!) In fact, he was such a follower of the Lord that the devil asks that he hurt Job to prove the only reason he was faithful was because of his wealth, family, and blessings. The devil takes away everything: his riches, his children, even his health. But in the end, God blesses him with twice as much as he had before (Job 42:10).

A lot of times we see this as God planning out pain for Job. That "God hurt Job because He knew Job would stay faithful.". But that wasn't God's plan at all!! "Indeed we count the blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord,"!!! The ending was God's plan to begin with. But God, in His infinite wisdom (which I do not understand at all. And it's a good thing I don't have to.) allowed pain to happen. BUT it wasn't His intended plan.

I have to remind myself that God does have an intended plan for me. And although He allows painful things to happen, He never planned for them. I will continue to trust my Jesus and know that His Love is here.
Check out this song by Tenth Avenue North! So good!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw_8o85lFxA

Times by Tenth Avenue North (My favorite lyrics of the song below)

"Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting. The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends. It never ends."