"Future Talk" Again?

I'm getting so bad at this consistent blogging thing...maybe it's because last week was my H. E. Double Hockey Sticks week!!! Crazy. I relearned why I don't procrastinate all three of my major papers 'til end of the quarter, days before they're due....never again!

Alas...last week got even better when I failed my motorcycle endorsement course. Whoops.   I failed because I wiped out on the last day. Okay, okay "wiped out" may be too strong of words. But basically I took a turn too tight and too fast, the back wheel spun out, and the bike fell on its side...and on my leg. I'm fine!!! Just got some nice road rash, couple of bruises, pulled a muscle or two, and might have shattered my pride.

So how do I deal with failure? Not very well. I don't like to lose. Don't like to fail. Don't like being told no (It's funny how low self-esteem and pride go hand-in-hand).  It's frustrating when you have plans and they don't work out exactly as planned. Like planning on driving a motorcycle but then failing to earn the license. Sad day! Or perhaps planning on attending Biola University in LA. Or maybe going to Australia to Hillsong College.  Or  recording a demo, putting it on the internet, getting thousands of fans, and scoring a record label. Funny how life doesn't happen the way we mapped it out when we sat down at our kitchen table 5 weeks ago. 5 months ago. Maybe 5 years ago.

In the book of James we're directed to not boast about what we're going to do tomorrow or where we're going to go.
James 4:13-16 ¹³ Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” ¹⁴ How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. ¹⁵ What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil. (NLT)

Plans often don't work out the way we intend them. Instead God opens and closes doors to match His will for your life.  I go to Western Washington University, and trust me, it wasn't my first choice.  But I love the campus up here! God's teaching me amazing things! And I'm meeting people who are pushing me in my musical abilities. It's incredible.  God completely shut my plans to attend a Christian University. Did He stop my desire to be a pastor? Did He shut down my desire to pursue music? No way!! I know God's called me to pastor His people and to d0 what I love, music. I'm just taking a different route then might be typically be expected. 

Jeremiah 17:7-8  ⁷ “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. ⁸ They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit. (NLT)

No matter where I go I know God's going to bless me as long as I remain in His will. As long as my roots are deep in His waters no matter what is thrown at me I'll make it through.  Failing a driving course, failing to write a song every week, failing to score a label, failing in a relationship,  failing to do everything exactly as I have planned isn't going to make me fade away.  My roots are in Christ. My hope and confidence is in His will for my life. When droughts hit me, I'll stay strong.

So I know I've been talking about my future plans a lot...I'm a college student, it's what we do. But I need to more readily realize that I don't need to focus completely on the future and what I'm going to do or what I want to do.  He'll open and close doors.  So hopefully my blog posts will stop being about knowing or not knowing my future and start being about what I'm going through right now.

But yes.

Thanks for reading my ridiculous and crazy thoughts! I so appreciate all the love you show.  Knowing you read my blog makes me feel fuzzy and warm inside. :)

Jeremiah 9:24 ²⁴ But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord, have spoken! (NLT)

You Are Definitely Worth It

Ahhh...I'm sorry. I apologize for the insane delay in this second half of my last blog post. Whoops. Here I go. Like I said before, writing this blog has been pretty difficult. How can I write on something I still struggle with on an almost daily basis? But God has provided me with huge steps in the right direction, and I want to share those with you.

Every person has different hurts, different scars, different past experiences that shape who they are.  But too often they all equal the same thing: pain. The pains can be very different. I don't know what it's like to experience my parents go through a divorce, but I do understand abandonment of a different kind. The thing is, pain is pain. Whether its your head, your back, your ankle, your stomach. It all hurts.

1.) First......you've got to recognize that pain is there. You can't diagnose what's broken if you won't admit that you feel something is wrong in the first place.  Understand that you hurt and that it's okay to hurt.  Quit hating yourself for hating yourself.  Jeremiah, David, Jesus. They all cried out in pain and were not ashamed to do so. (Read Psalms, Jeremiah, and Lamentations if you want to see how some of these men dealt with their emotional pain) 
Lamentations 3:55-57 ⁵⁵ But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit. ⁵⁶ You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!” ⁵⁷ Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.” (NLT) 

2.) Second...you have to want healing. "Wait. Why wouldn't I want to feel better?" Sometimes we enjoy wallowing in our pain without even knowing it. Trust me, I do.  We bask in self-pity; we tell ourselves life's not fair, it will never get better, we will always be broken.  The path to healing isn't easy, you have to want it. Not wanting just happiness or satisfaction in ourselves, wanting true healing and satisfaction in Christ. 
Hosea 7:14 ¹⁴ They do not cry out to me with sincere hearts. Instead, they sit on their couches and wail. They cut themselves[or they gather together], begging foreign gods for grain and new wine, and they turn away from me. (NLT)

3.) Third...get close to Jesus.  Learn who He Is. Learn the way He sees you. Learn His amazing grace, so that even with our faults, even when we can't accept ourselves, He still longs to hold us.  Ask Him to change the way you see yourself and others.  Get into the Word. Get into daily conversations (prayer!).  He wants you!!! Try wanting Him too. 
Jeremiah 29:12-14 ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” (NLT)

4.) Fourth...be patient and be willing to work.  Learning to love yourself is not easy and I have never seen an instant fix-it. (Though God can do whatever He wants!) Often Jesus lets us grow the hard, long way so that we can learn and help others through the same things.  I would not take any part of my life back (even though some of it I would never wish on anyone) because it has shaped me to the woman of God I am now.
 Philippians 1:6 ⁶ And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (NLT)

I'm not Jesus, not a counselor, not even a certified pastor (yet.) but this is what I've learned in my short 19 years on this earth**. I've still got a long ways to go in learning to love myself completely, but I've never been so satisfied with my body, my face, my abilities, my talents, myself. I pray every day that you to can love yourself the way Christ loves you.

I've still got so stinking much to write on this subject!! But I'll save it for another day. :) 

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 ⁸ We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. ⁹ We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. ¹⁰ Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. (NLT)

***If your struggling with self-hate that causes you to want to quit life, hurt yourself, or hurt others, please PLEASE talk to a pastor, a counselor, a trusted someone of wisdom. Those thoughts are not normal and you don't have to fight them alone. You can always e-mail me jandruk@comcast.net. I know many amazing people who would love to talk to you, and I know I personally would love to talk to you too. We'll set up a coffee date (if you're close) or online chat or phone call!!! ***

You Are Worth It

I have this long term, broken relationship with this thing called...
Low Self-Esteem.

This past week has been exceptionally difficult.  Believe or not, I really struggle with liking who I am. And specifically how I look.  You're probably thinking right now, "JESSICA!!! You're crazy!! What are you talking about?!? Shut up!!! You're beautiful inside and out!" All phrases I have heard many times before. And I know they're telling me the truth. Yet my heart still has a difficult time grasping the idea and struggles with agreeing that I'm perfectly fine with the body and looks I have now.  Maybe you understand what I mean, maybe you don't.

Before you judge me and how I struggle with seeing myself through God's, and even other people's eyes, understand that this has been a lifetime battle. Crazy, I know. I'm not going to go into my story as to why that is or how I've gotten out of it (if you want to hear it give me a ring/text/facebook/myspace/twitter (Haha, yay technology!) and we'll meet for coffee and I'll tell you my story in person) but hopefully this gives you a teeny tiny glimpse so you know this lack of self-worth isn't from nowhere. I just don't want to talk about it on the world wide web. Whoops.

So how do we overcome self-hate? How do I? Lord knows its been difficult. Hence I'm struggling with it yet again.  Learning to see myself through His eyes is one of the hardest things ever. But!! It's something that has completely transformed my life.  Yes, I'm struggling this week, but for the past year I've liked who I am and what I see in the mirror for the first time since I was very young!! It's amazing. :)

How have I even gotten this far? I discovered Grace!!!! God's sweet and abounding Grace! Grace for the mistakes I've made. Grace for the wrongs people have done to me. Grace for every ounce of sin that has polluted my body, my thoughts, and just me. The Lord doesn't care and He forgives and He sees you as done and done!!! 

Maybe you're thinking, "Jess, I know this stuff. I hear it at church all the time. What else can I do?". Pray, pray, PRAY! Every moment of every day that your mind is quiet, ask God to change your perspective. I promise it works! Every negative thought, capture it and cry out to the G-Man!  He will give you strength, especially in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).  There is relief from these self-hate thoughts.

Don't give up.

This is going to have to be a 2-part blog!!! Woot!!...? There's so much more to say but I don't like reading long blogs...and I don't want to do that to you. Hopefully these words will get your mind turning, get your soul searching, and push you to get one-on-One with Jesus.  So be on the look out for mas!! In the meantime: here are some sweet verses to ponder.

Psalm 139: 14-15 ¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (NLT) --check out the whole chapter!! Psalm 139

Genesis 1:27  ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (NLT)

1 Peter 2:9 ⁹But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (NIV)

Luke 12:6-7 ⁶ “What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. ⁷ And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. (NLT)

Forky Rd.

If you haven't noticed...I haven't been very prolific in my writing of blogs. Life is crazy! School, work, school, music, did I mention school? All of my brain power has been focused on school...and to be honest, my song writing.  Which is awesome!

April 24th, Saturday night, I had my first "mini-concert". Let me say, it was amazing! Everyone who came blessed me and Jared so much! Asking for a CD, where to download, when my next concert was. Sooo cool. But with all this awesomeness, I'm left with the question: what direction do I take? But isn't that always the question?

School. I've got to finish school. Australia. I SO want to go to Australia.  Music! I want to do music for the rest of my life (God willing, please!!!). Pastor. God's called me, but timeline, I'm not so sure what that is. Love people. Easy! Doing that all the time (hopefully that shows).

So where do I go?

Ahhh! Is it so bad that I don't really know? At least in the long run.  409 days until graduation. That's the first step for sure. Education is so important! Teaches you skills that you will use for the rest of your life: discipline, critical thinking, commitment, time management, etc.  (Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 22:6) But that's just over a year away. What then?! Originally I wanted to go to Australia...but what if my music shoots off...or what if it doesn't...do I still leave the States? What about pastoring? I know I've been called to do that. I have opportunity to pastor right after I graduate. Literally. WHAT DO I DO?!!!?!?!?!?

What do I do when I ask Jesus that question and He doesn't seem to answer? That's what it feels like right now.  Perhaps I'm not really listening, that's a very huge possibility...I really REALLY want to be a successful artist...at least semi-successful. :)  But what if you literally don't get an answer (right away, I've found He ALWAYS answers, just not very often in my timing).

You wait. Awesome.

BUT! In your waiting for a direct answer be sure that you also keep walking. Standing still gets you no where. Literally.  Pursue something, anything!! Pursue what you want! If He doesn't want you going that direction He'll let you know quick. Doors will shut, plans will fall through, money won't be there. If He does! You'll find yourself plunking along.

^{Psalms 37:4-5  4} Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. ⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him, and he will help you. (NLT)

In conclusion (so school like), I still don't really know what I'm going to do. And that's okay. I'll finish school while pushing my music "career" and thinking about Australia.  As long as my heart is aligned with His, things will naturally fall into place. I just hope that He'll let me do what I want! If not, I'll be just fine. God's good. :)

Proverbs 3:5-6  ⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. ⁶ Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (NLT)

New Page!

Technically this isn't really a blog posting...of anything significant. I just wanted you all to check out this page! :)
The real blog is underneath this one; read Transparency 2.0 (my title names are soooo lame.)

And...to make this more interesting, here is a cool cake I made!

Thank you everyone for reading and supporting!! You rock!
Love,
Jess

Transparency 2.0

First 2-part blog ever! ...well for me. I feel like there were several things left unsaid in Transparency.

I need to clarify the how of living a transparent life.  Many Christians today take this concept of living transparent to a lawful extreme, which is everything Paul teaches against in his letters.  A little background before I continue, I'm taking New Testament/Early Christianity at my secular college, Western Washington University. And it is quite interesting I do have to say.  To study the Bible in a "pure academic" sense...well I tried...but having the Spirit of God in me makes it absolutely impossible. No matter what I read, God's grace and love shines through and out and around, and it's kinda funny (and completely awesome!) to hear my non-Christian professors preaching God's word. Love it!

What I've been learning in this class is what Paul's main message was, what my professor would call "his version of Christianity". Paul was all about faith and grace, and none about works and the law. In Galatians 3 Paul clearly states that righteousness does not come from fulfilling the law, but through faith.  'Righteousness' is the same Greek word for 'Justified'.  And 'Faith' in Greek also means 'trust' and 'belief'. Paul is saying we are justified through trusting God, having faith in Christ's resurrection. And in fact, Paul even says the law is no longer valid because of the Cross and Christ changing reality (which He indeed did change).

So while I've been talking about needing to live a life that is transparent, I want you to know that it is not because of the law that I'm choosing to live this way.  I'm choosing to live this way because I have the Spirit of God present in my life, and that alone begins to change my actions from the inside out. While we are not required to do anything by the law for salvation, it does not mean we should do anything and everything we want (especially what our flesh wants).

1 Corinthians 6:12-13 ¹² You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. ¹³ You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. (NLT)

There is a "delicate balance between Freedom in Christ and living how Paul wants us to live" so says my professor. And while that might seem like an obvious statement, if you love the Lord then it's going to be easy.  By transforming your heart to His, by letting Him mold you and shape you, you'll find yourself wanting to live by the Spirit. You have Christ in you! He's leading and guiding you, and as you grow closer to Him you'll find yourself wanting the same things He wants.

So while I'm called to a transparent life, I do not need to be lawful about it. If I mess up 

(which I will, trust me.) God's going to provide me grace. Like I said in my last post, Jesus already sees me as transparent. To Him I'm already crystal clear because His death paid for every blemish and impurity.  But because I'm already crystal clear to Him, I want to live a life that reflects His Spirit in me.

Galatians 3:24-29 ²⁴ Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. ²⁵ And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian.  ²⁶ For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. ²⁷ And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes. ²⁸ There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. ²⁹ And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

Transparency

To be honest, I didn't want to write this post. It calls out a lot of things in my life...I've started, stopped, restarted, and stopped again. But it's finally done! Read on my friends, read on.

Do you remember the first time you saw a prism? How sweet it was when the light shone through that transparent glass and a rainbow shone on the table! It's amazing! And so beautiful. The key to prisms is they have to be absolutely transparent, or the rainbow won't shine through the other side. (I'm sure there's some awesome scientific explanation...but I'm a Comm major and there's no way I'm diving into that stuff!)

Now on to why I didn't want to start this post...God's called me to live a transparent life. To be as crystal clear as a prism so when Christ shines in me, it shines out in the most beautiful way! What's wrong with that? Nothing! But it's super hard.

Transparency. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary first defines it as being "fine or sheer enough to be seen through." The second definition is "free from pretense or deceit" or "easily detected or seen through." Now honestly, I don't want everyone to see how I live...I'd want to (and did) lie about how I was doing...or what I was doing. Believe it or not, I'm not the nicest person. I criticize, I tear people down (yeah sarcasm...), I'm lazy, I like to wallow in my "down" feelings, I want people to be there for me without me having to be there for them, the list could go on and on and on and on. 

Being transparent is to be free from pretense or deceit, to be easily seen through. That means not hiding my weaknesses and living in a manner that no matter who sees what I'm doing at any given moment, I won't be ashamed.  Oh goodness. Honestly, I wouldn't want any of you to see some of the mistakes I've made over the past year. The way I've governed my private life (whether it be the questionable shows I watch, the way I selfishly govern my relationships, or how I give in to laziness and waste entire days.) hasn't been God honoring.

1 John 1:8-10 ⁸ If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. ⁹ But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts. (NLT)

So here I am, a broken sinner (Now I understand what Paul was saying when he claimed to be the worst of sinners 1 Timothy ). And yet the crazy thing is God still uses me in so many ways! To him I'll always be crystal clear. But it is my aim to run the race with endurance, and do it transparently. So don't hesitate to ask me how I'm doing, and not in the shallow way! Ask me to be transparent with you and I promise I'll try my hardest. If I hesitate, call it out.

I want to shine Jesus so that when His light passes through me all of you get hit with red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet! All the colors, not just one.

Jeremiah 8:4 ⁴ “Jeremiah, say to the people, ‘This is what the Lord says: “‘When people fall down, don’t they get up again?  When they discover they’re on the wrong road, don’t they turn back?"