You Are Worth It

I have this long term, broken relationship with this thing called...
Low Self-Esteem.

This past week has been exceptionally difficult.  Believe or not, I really struggle with liking who I am. And specifically how I look.  You're probably thinking right now, "JESSICA!!! You're crazy!! What are you talking about?!? Shut up!!! You're beautiful inside and out!" All phrases I have heard many times before. And I know they're telling me the truth. Yet my heart still has a difficult time grasping the idea and struggles with agreeing that I'm perfectly fine with the body and looks I have now.  Maybe you understand what I mean, maybe you don't.

Before you judge me and how I struggle with seeing myself through God's, and even other people's eyes, understand that this has been a lifetime battle. Crazy, I know. I'm not going to go into my story as to why that is or how I've gotten out of it (if you want to hear it give me a ring/text/facebook/myspace/twitter (Haha, yay technology!) and we'll meet for coffee and I'll tell you my story in person) but hopefully this gives you a teeny tiny glimpse so you know this lack of self-worth isn't from nowhere. I just don't want to talk about it on the world wide web. Whoops.

So how do we overcome self-hate? How do I? Lord knows its been difficult. Hence I'm struggling with it yet again.  Learning to see myself through His eyes is one of the hardest things ever. But!! It's something that has completely transformed my life.  Yes, I'm struggling this week, but for the past year I've liked who I am and what I see in the mirror for the first time since I was very young!! It's amazing. :)

How have I even gotten this far? I discovered Grace!!!! God's sweet and abounding Grace! Grace for the mistakes I've made. Grace for the wrongs people have done to me. Grace for every ounce of sin that has polluted my body, my thoughts, and just me. The Lord doesn't care and He forgives and He sees you as done and done!!! 

Maybe you're thinking, "Jess, I know this stuff. I hear it at church all the time. What else can I do?". Pray, pray, PRAY! Every moment of every day that your mind is quiet, ask God to change your perspective. I promise it works! Every negative thought, capture it and cry out to the G-Man!  He will give you strength, especially in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).  There is relief from these self-hate thoughts.

Don't give up.

This is going to have to be a 2-part blog!!! Woot!!...? There's so much more to say but I don't like reading long blogs...and I don't want to do that to you. Hopefully these words will get your mind turning, get your soul searching, and push you to get one-on-One with Jesus.  So be on the look out for mas!! In the meantime: here are some sweet verses to ponder.

Psalm 139: 14-15 ¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (NLT) --check out the whole chapter!! Psalm 139

Genesis 1:27  ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (NLT)

1 Peter 2:9 ⁹But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (NIV)

Luke 12:6-7 ⁶ “What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. ⁷ And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. (NLT)

Forky Rd.

If you haven't noticed...I haven't been very prolific in my writing of blogs. Life is crazy! School, work, school, music, did I mention school? All of my brain power has been focused on school...and to be honest, my song writing.  Which is awesome!

April 24th, Saturday night, I had my first "mini-concert". Let me say, it was amazing! Everyone who came blessed me and Jared so much! Asking for a CD, where to download, when my next concert was. Sooo cool. But with all this awesomeness, I'm left with the question: what direction do I take? But isn't that always the question?

School. I've got to finish school. Australia. I SO want to go to Australia.  Music! I want to do music for the rest of my life (God willing, please!!!). Pastor. God's called me, but timeline, I'm not so sure what that is. Love people. Easy! Doing that all the time (hopefully that shows).

So where do I go?

Ahhh! Is it so bad that I don't really know? At least in the long run.  409 days until graduation. That's the first step for sure. Education is so important! Teaches you skills that you will use for the rest of your life: discipline, critical thinking, commitment, time management, etc.  (Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 22:6) But that's just over a year away. What then?! Originally I wanted to go to Australia...but what if my music shoots off...or what if it doesn't...do I still leave the States? What about pastoring? I know I've been called to do that. I have opportunity to pastor right after I graduate. Literally. WHAT DO I DO?!!!?!?!?!?

What do I do when I ask Jesus that question and He doesn't seem to answer? That's what it feels like right now.  Perhaps I'm not really listening, that's a very huge possibility...I really REALLY want to be a successful artist...at least semi-successful. :)  But what if you literally don't get an answer (right away, I've found He ALWAYS answers, just not very often in my timing).

You wait. Awesome.

BUT! In your waiting for a direct answer be sure that you also keep walking. Standing still gets you no where. Literally.  Pursue something, anything!! Pursue what you want! If He doesn't want you going that direction He'll let you know quick. Doors will shut, plans will fall through, money won't be there. If He does! You'll find yourself plunking along.

^{Psalms 37:4-5  4} Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. ⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him, and he will help you. (NLT)

In conclusion (so school like), I still don't really know what I'm going to do. And that's okay. I'll finish school while pushing my music "career" and thinking about Australia.  As long as my heart is aligned with His, things will naturally fall into place. I just hope that He'll let me do what I want! If not, I'll be just fine. God's good. :)

Proverbs 3:5-6  ⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. ⁶ Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (NLT)

New Page!

Technically this isn't really a blog posting...of anything significant. I just wanted you all to check out this page! :)
The real blog is underneath this one; read Transparency 2.0 (my title names are soooo lame.)

And...to make this more interesting, here is a cool cake I made!

Thank you everyone for reading and supporting!! You rock!
Love,
Jess

Transparency 2.0

First 2-part blog ever! ...well for me. I feel like there were several things left unsaid in Transparency.

I need to clarify the how of living a transparent life.  Many Christians today take this concept of living transparent to a lawful extreme, which is everything Paul teaches against in his letters.  A little background before I continue, I'm taking New Testament/Early Christianity at my secular college, Western Washington University. And it is quite interesting I do have to say.  To study the Bible in a "pure academic" sense...well I tried...but having the Spirit of God in me makes it absolutely impossible. No matter what I read, God's grace and love shines through and out and around, and it's kinda funny (and completely awesome!) to hear my non-Christian professors preaching God's word. Love it!

What I've been learning in this class is what Paul's main message was, what my professor would call "his version of Christianity". Paul was all about faith and grace, and none about works and the law. In Galatians 3 Paul clearly states that righteousness does not come from fulfilling the law, but through faith.  'Righteousness' is the same Greek word for 'Justified'.  And 'Faith' in Greek also means 'trust' and 'belief'. Paul is saying we are justified through trusting God, having faith in Christ's resurrection. And in fact, Paul even says the law is no longer valid because of the Cross and Christ changing reality (which He indeed did change).

So while I've been talking about needing to live a life that is transparent, I want you to know that it is not because of the law that I'm choosing to live this way.  I'm choosing to live this way because I have the Spirit of God present in my life, and that alone begins to change my actions from the inside out. While we are not required to do anything by the law for salvation, it does not mean we should do anything and everything we want (especially what our flesh wants).

1 Corinthians 6:12-13 ¹² You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. ¹³ You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. (NLT)

There is a "delicate balance between Freedom in Christ and living how Paul wants us to live" so says my professor. And while that might seem like an obvious statement, if you love the Lord then it's going to be easy.  By transforming your heart to His, by letting Him mold you and shape you, you'll find yourself wanting to live by the Spirit. You have Christ in you! He's leading and guiding you, and as you grow closer to Him you'll find yourself wanting the same things He wants.

So while I'm called to a transparent life, I do not need to be lawful about it. If I mess up 

(which I will, trust me.) God's going to provide me grace. Like I said in my last post, Jesus already sees me as transparent. To Him I'm already crystal clear because His death paid for every blemish and impurity.  But because I'm already crystal clear to Him, I want to live a life that reflects His Spirit in me.

Galatians 3:24-29 ²⁴ Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. ²⁵ And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian.  ²⁶ For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. ²⁷ And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes. ²⁸ There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. ²⁹ And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

Transparency

To be honest, I didn't want to write this post. It calls out a lot of things in my life...I've started, stopped, restarted, and stopped again. But it's finally done! Read on my friends, read on.

Do you remember the first time you saw a prism? How sweet it was when the light shone through that transparent glass and a rainbow shone on the table! It's amazing! And so beautiful. The key to prisms is they have to be absolutely transparent, or the rainbow won't shine through the other side. (I'm sure there's some awesome scientific explanation...but I'm a Comm major and there's no way I'm diving into that stuff!)

Now on to why I didn't want to start this post...God's called me to live a transparent life. To be as crystal clear as a prism so when Christ shines in me, it shines out in the most beautiful way! What's wrong with that? Nothing! But it's super hard.

Transparency. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary first defines it as being "fine or sheer enough to be seen through." The second definition is "free from pretense or deceit" or "easily detected or seen through." Now honestly, I don't want everyone to see how I live...I'd want to (and did) lie about how I was doing...or what I was doing. Believe it or not, I'm not the nicest person. I criticize, I tear people down (yeah sarcasm...), I'm lazy, I like to wallow in my "down" feelings, I want people to be there for me without me having to be there for them, the list could go on and on and on and on. 

Being transparent is to be free from pretense or deceit, to be easily seen through. That means not hiding my weaknesses and living in a manner that no matter who sees what I'm doing at any given moment, I won't be ashamed.  Oh goodness. Honestly, I wouldn't want any of you to see some of the mistakes I've made over the past year. The way I've governed my private life (whether it be the questionable shows I watch, the way I selfishly govern my relationships, or how I give in to laziness and waste entire days.) hasn't been God honoring.

1 John 1:8-10 ⁸ If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. ⁹ But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts. (NLT)

So here I am, a broken sinner (Now I understand what Paul was saying when he claimed to be the worst of sinners 1 Timothy ). And yet the crazy thing is God still uses me in so many ways! To him I'll always be crystal clear. But it is my aim to run the race with endurance, and do it transparently. So don't hesitate to ask me how I'm doing, and not in the shallow way! Ask me to be transparent with you and I promise I'll try my hardest. If I hesitate, call it out.

I want to shine Jesus so that when His light passes through me all of you get hit with red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet! All the colors, not just one.

Jeremiah 8:4 ⁴ “Jeremiah, say to the people, ‘This is what the Lord says: “‘When people fall down, don’t they get up again?  When they discover they’re on the wrong road, don’t they turn back?"

Need for Speed

I love motorcycles. It is one of my top 5 dreams to own and ride a motorcycle (1.Create and sell a successful CD. 2. Lead worship for thousands of people. 3. Go to Australia, 4. Own and ride a motorcycle. 5. Find the man of my dreams.).  This last week Sir Anthony Snyder and I went to check out motorcycles. Let me say, it was incredible!! I'm so stoked to ride!!! I'm getting my endorsement next month and hopefully a bike sometime over the summer. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! July 8th.

Some of you are thinking that I'm going crazy. Why would a perfectly sane (more or less), smart young woman want to throw herself on top of a machine that most people deem irresponsible and ludicrous? Why risk bodily harm going 120mph (okay, okay...I'm not going drive that fast...) on an open highway with only the helmet on her head and the leather on her back protecting her? Because I want more than mediocrity! I want excitement! I want adventure! Don't you?

Deep inside we all know that we were meant for something more. Switchfoot says it so nicely in their song Meant To Live.

We long to live beyond where we're at: broken and failed. We want to be doing something worth mentioning; we want to be flying at 90mph watching the world pass us by and enjoying every minute of it.

Jesus wants the same thing for us. He wants us to be doing what we love!! (Read this blog post to hear more on my thoughts about that.) Jesus created us for a greater purpose than living in mediocrity. He has created us to live in Him: the furthest thing from mediocrity, brokenness, or failure!! While it might not seem like it, we have a life of freedom and adventure in Christ waiting for us to live out!

2 Corinthians 4:14-15 ⁶ For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. ⁷ We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

So go ahead! Jump on that bike, race down that highway.  God's called you to live above and beyond this world.  1 Peter 2:11, 1 John 2:16-17  He's called you to greatness  through Himself!


2 Peter 1:3-4 ³ By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. ⁴ And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires. (NLT)

Share My Song

Over the past month my music writing has increased dramatically.  I normally spend an hour every day or every other day playing and writing.  While most of what I produce isn't the greatest, some of the songs are pretty good.  It's been insane, the way God has been pushing me to grow musically.  He's placed some very specific, and sometimes very random, people in my life to encourage and challenge me.

Rewind to the summer of my freshman year: white water rafting trip with Megan Hall. I didn't know her very well, but for some reason I decided I would go on this crazy adventure with her.  While I don't remember much of what happened, what I do remember was a conversation we had on the beach.  We began sharing our dreams with each other.  She felt called to be a missionary, to go to Africa.  I remember her saying, "But I'm not sure that will really happen." I, on the other hand, wanted to produce music more than anything! Wanted to lead worship for thousands of people. But I remember saying, "It's just a dream, I doubt it could ever happen.". 

Fast forward six years to present day.  Megan's in Uganda!!! And I'm slowly recording the music I've written!   While she's not quite what most people would consider a full-grown "missionary", she's in Africa! She's building a love and passion for the Ugandan people (Check out her blog).  She's taking the steps to be what God has called her to be. While I'm not exactly an artist who gets paid for her music, I'm recording and people are beginning to listen. Megan and I are stepping into our very own dreams! And it's so exciting.

God has placed hopes dreams in every one of our hearts.  And He wants us to accomplish them!!
Psalm 20:4-5 
Psalm 37:4  ⁴ Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. (NLT)

Fight for your dreams! Don't give up on them.  People are going to shoot your dreams down. They're going to say, "No.", "You're not good enough.", "Give up.".  Your deepest hopes are there because He has placed them.  He has created each of us for a purpose and a calling.

But maybe you're saying, "I'm definitely not reaching my dreams. God's not giving them to me.".  I ask you this question, is your heart beating to the rhythm of His heart? When we read Psalm 37:4 we often stop there, we don't read the next verse:

Psalm 37:5 ⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.Trust him, and he will help you. (NLT)

Commit to His way.  Your dreams will fall into place after that.  If not, perhaps the dreams you have now are not the ones He has planned for you.  Check your heart, search out His, He'll give you direction and a new dream better than anything else you could have imagined.

While I'm so excited in how my music "career" is starting, the moment I quit making Jesus my #1 I know things are going to fail.  He's the one who's blessed me with my gifts, given me my songs, and put that dream in my heart in the first place.  



**Click Here to Check Out My Music Website**

Jeremiah 29:11-13 ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.