Closed Fist

I have you ever gotten your hand caught in the cookie jar?

I mean literally. I guess the cookie jar wouldn't work...but for me, I got my hand caught in the candy jar.  You know what jar I'm talking about.  The one where the hole is just big enough to get your hand in, but not big enough so that once you grab a fist full of delicious Tootsie Rolls you can't get your hand out. So infuriating!! Then you realize the only way you can get candy out is to grab one piece of candy at a time...and by then end of the process it's no longer worth it.  You're angry that you've only gotten two pieces out, your hand hurts from trying to force it through the small opening, and your mouth has yet to taste sweet success because you're so busy getting the little pieces of candy out you forget your main goal in the first place!!

It seems like life simulates this scenario all too often.

We want something, but no matter how hard we hold on to it, how hard we pull out, we can't have it. Our hands are literally stuck.  Next thing we know, is we're miserable.  We've got this jar attached to our hand inhibiting us from doing daily activities.  Eating, shaking new acquaintances' hands, opening doors; all become a challenge.

Just like eating with a jar attached to our hand is next to impossible (Assume that both hands are in jars. We're a greedy culture.), so can nourishing our spiritual and emotional health.  When you hold on to a relationship, a dream, a plan that God has called you to let go, you'll only inhibit your life. Holding onto what you cannot have begins to harden your heart.  You become angry and hopeless because something that you want so desperately is in your hands, yet you are still unable to attain because your hand is stuck in a jar.  You begin to question God because you feel like you have a right (Is it not in your hand? Do you not have your fist wrapped tightly around it?).  Soon spiritual and emotional growth stop; you're so focused on what's "rightfully" yours and you wait for God to fully give it to you, and when He doesn't, you assume that you're doing something wrong.  Growth stops because you refuse to let it happen.
(Luke 9:23-25)

Keeping our fist in the jar also keeps us from meeting new people. Especially when we hold onto relationships. You can't shake someone's hand when yours is surrounded by glass. I know this from experience.  You hold onto a relationship, you hope that God will heal it the easy way, that things will go "back to normal", so you don't let go.  Meanwhile, all these amazing, new people are asking to shake your hand, but you won't get rid of that jar.  Perhaps the only way things can go "back to normal" is to let the one you love and care about to move on.
(Matthew 16:24-27)

Finally, having that jar on our hand inhibits us from opening doors.  We're so wrapped up in our predetermined plans that if God provides new opportunities we refuse to jump on them because we want what we almost have, but not quite.  Perhaps God is asking that you to join a small group, join a ministry, enter leadership, take a risk.  You have to let go of what you want in order to do His will.
(Proverbs 3:3-6)

Paul reminds us not to keep our fist in the jar.
Hebrews 3:12, 14-15 ¹² Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. ¹⁴ For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ. ¹⁵ Remember what it says: “Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled.” (NLT)

Instead we are to surrender everything to Him.
Romans 12:1  ¹ And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. (NLT)
(If you want to read more on my thoughts about surrendering, check out this blog entry!)

And in the end, we all know that letting go of our fist full of candy is worth it.  It obviously makes sense that if we just let go, we can get our hands out, feed ourselves, meet new people, and open new doors. And yet why are we still so stubborn to hold onto what's keeping us stuck?  Perhaps we're afraid.  Afraid that if we let go we'll lose it forever.  And there's a good chance that's true. But is losing it not worth the gain we'll get from following God's perfect plan?


Yeah, maybe we won't get those Tootsie Rolls.  But we will get what God has intended for us! Which is infinitely better.  It's like comparing Tootsie Rolls to Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream, which everyone knows there's nothing better than a hot slice of homemade apple pie with a scoop of cold vanilla ice cream!!!

Goodbye Tootsie Rolls. Hello Apple Pie Ala Mode!!!

1 Peter 1:6-7 ⁶ So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. ⁷ These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (NLT)

Mountain + Snow + Jesus = Humble Pie

This past Valentine's weekend I was blessed with the most awesome opportunity to lead worship at the high school winter retreat Snowed In.  It was incredible!!! God really moved! Not only in the hearts of the students, but in the hearts of the leaders, and in my heart.
(Picture above: Blayne (speaker), Myself, and David.)


As a worship leader you get a ton of spotlight. A TON.  Lead worship once and all of a sudden everyone knows who you are, knows you can play an instrument, knows you can sing, and for whatever reason, thinks your cool (which is a first for me, and I personally don't mind.).  But it brings me to the concept of humbleness, and how, as a leader in the spotlight, I should live it out.

Being humbled is often equated with being humiliated: getting embarrassed.  Which is true in many situations! But being humble and being humiliated are two different things!  Though, like I said, sometimes they do converge into the same instance.  Take for example one the most humbling, and humiliating, experiences I've ever had.  I had nailed leading worship for the first time by myself at the high school youth group: the Spirit moved, lives were changed, and I thought I was awesome.  The next week at Jr. High youth group I planned on doing the same thing.  I had the "I've got this all by myself" attitude.  Boy was I in for a huge awakening.  Practice that Tuesday went horrible! I couldn't focus, my band wasn't with me, I became frustrated, and then I quit.  Just like that.

That's when I got it.

Worship isn't about me as the leader.  Isn't about the band playing.  It's not even about the music. It's about Jesus, and ONLY Jesus.  This is the most important concept about worship leading!! For all you musicians, worship leaders, young and old alike, if you get anything get this: Worship is ALL about the G-Man, and absolutely nothing to do with yourself.  If you're not worshiping Jesus on that stage then don't be on the stage at all.  (But I'm diverging onto a tangent! This blog is supposed to be about humbleness!)
This last weekend at Snowed In, God showed me I don't need to be embarrassed to be humbled.  Thank You God!  As I was on that stage, worshiping my heart out and watching 100+ students and leaders worshiping their hearts too, I found myself incredibly humbled and amazed.  My Mighty God was using me!  A broken and imperfect being.

That's when I realized it seems that God uses me the most when I am broken, vulnerable, surrendered, and humbled before Him.  The whole week before Snowed In and every time I picked up my guitar I prayed that God would keep me humble and that everything was His. Every part of me, every fear, every hope, everything! How did I know that this is what would work, that God would use me even more? Because this is what Jesus did: He humbled Himself.

Phillipians 2:5-8  ⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  ⁶Who, being in very nature God, not consider equality with God something to be grasped, ⁷but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. ⁸And being found in appearance as a man,  he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! (NIV)

In this case, Jesus was not being embarrassed (though dying on the cross during the Roman era was incredibly shameful, this is not the point I am trying to make).  Christ "made himself nothing"!! God didn't embarrass Him with a horrible performance.  Jesus was humble because He gave up everything! Made Himself nothing.  And this wasn't exactly what Jesus wanted...making yourself nothing and surrendering completely is painful and difficult.

Matthew 26:39  ³⁹ He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” (NLT)
He prayed this prayer three times!! 
Matthew 26:44 ⁴⁴ So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. (NLT)

But He did it, and the entire humanity was saved because of Him.  So are you willing to be humbled? To give up everything?

I know this is something I struggle with daily.  But God has called me to be humble. To surrender my hopes and dreams.  My wants and needs.  My fears and failures. To come broken to Him and give up everything.

There are some relationships I'm desperately trying to hold onto. God has called me to let go.  There are pride issues involving my performance in school. God has called me to let go.  There are desires for what I want to be doing right now.  God has called me to let go.  I have been called to make myself nothing and to humble myself.  And I want to!  But this road isn't going to be easy...it hurts a lot.  It's not fun.  But I'll have to continue to trust my Jesus and know His will is best.  I want His will to be done, not mine. 


Romans 12:1 ¹ And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.

Amen.

Jesus, bless.
Heck yes.
Thank You for this grubby mess.
Amen.

A frequent prayer of mine lately.  Whenever I'm in a hurry and want to eat quickly, I pray this prayer.  Whenever I'm lazy and don't want to put a lot of effort in, I pray this prayer.  Whenever I don't take the time to think, I pray this prayer.  Not a very substantial prayer if I do say so myself.

I believe prayer is one of the most powerful and undervalued tools that the Lord gives us. But I know personally that I fail to have consistent and meaningful prayer.  My prayers are often short and silly like the one at the beginning. When they are more than four sentences long they are full of prayers of me, for me, by me: selfish.  While praying for my own spiritual growth and well-being is fine and necessary, I should also pray for more than just me.  Most of my prayers are written down in my journal (which is a great way to document my prayers so I can reflect later on down the road) but I rarely get down on my knees in reverence.  My God, recently, has been one where I send my complaints and requests...and that's it.

Jesus prayed constantly.
Luke 5:16 But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (NIV)
Mark 1:35 Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. (NIV)
Luke 6:12 One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God. (NIV)

He daily sought His Father; He had relationship with God!  Now Jesus' prayers were not wish-washy.  He did not merely just ask for God to "bless, heck yes", His prayers were full of passion and purpose.  In fact Jesus commands us to pray with purpose.

Matthew 6:5-8 ⁵"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ⁶But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. (NIV emphasis added)

Luke 18:1 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. (NIV)

There are many more scriptures involving prayer, how we should and should not pray, what to pray for, etc. (Romans 8:26, Colossians 4:2, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18...) and I could go on for quite a while.  But I'd rather you dive into God's Word yourself.  
The point is, prayer is very relevant and necessary step in our walk with Christ...and yet we so readily dismiss it as something insignificant.  Prayer moves mountains and parts seas.  It pushes us to pursue God, just as He pursues us.  It lets us see that God does answer our prayers and that He does hear us.  Prayer is powerful.

I have to push myself to pray more than just at meal times and my short SOAP journal entries.  I hope that my prayers will become more meaningful and passionate; that I do not just ask for little things, but plead and cry out to God for my dreams, family, friends, walk, anything I care about.  Prayer is more than a little two minute poem.  Prayer rocks foundations and draws me closer to God.  God has been challenging me to pray for an hour a week.  Not necessarily all at once, but spend an hour in prayer outside of my devos.  I'm excited to see what God's going to do and how He's going to use my prayer time.  And I'm excited for the ways He's going to change my heart as I draw closer to His. And with that, all that is left to say...Amen.



Hebrews 5:7 While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God. (NLT)

Quitter? Perhaps. Loser? No way.

I started this week off feeling like a loser. Or better yet, a quitter. 
This weekend I had to tell my Ultimate team, Chaos, that I couldn't play anymore. I quit.
Also this weekend, I got rid of my dreads.  I quit.
School has become so boring and uninteresting that I wanted to quit.

But all of my "giving up's" are not really giving up.  This week after writing my last blog I've been praying and searching God on what I should do, where I should go, and how I should think.  Quitting was the answer.  Or maybe "quitting" is the wrong word.  Re-prioritizing.  Let me share with you what my priorities have been since starting school:

1.  School
2.  Ultimate
3.  Family
4.  God
5.  Relationships

Pretty jacked up.  In reality, this is what my priorities should be:

1.  God
2.  Family
3.  School (unfortunately yes....still up there.)
4.  Relationships that push me to grow
5.  Ultimate

Now recently, my family has been dealing with some tough stuff.  My Dad lost his job and found a new one within his company, all in a three-weeks span.  He is now in St. Lewis and will work their until the end of May in hopes that they will transfer him back to Oak Harbor.
For the past five months school has been my main focus.  I've ignored going to church, ignored trying to gain new relationships, and ignored going back home to support my family. All for silly 'A' grades.  "C's get degrees!" says Phil, and that is some advice I need to be taking.  My relationship with Jesus needs to be first.  Again, apathy is not okay!  Relationship with Christ is more than 15 minutes doing devos and then being "done" for the day.  Being there for my family, even if that means driving back home several times a month to help my mom out, is more important that Microeconomics.  Finishing my homework to pass my classes is more essential than playing Ultimate.  And spending time dreading my hair when I could be doing anything else is a waste of time! 
My calling is to be a pastor; to challenge people in their faith, to help them enter the throne room of God, to share His heart with everyone I meet.  But to get to that full-time 'job' I need the tools to get there.  God's called me to Western.  To be a student, to learn and grow, and to get my B.A. in Communications.  I also believe wholeheartedly that He's called me to go to Hillsong in Sydney, Australia.  But to get there I have to finish here first.  I have to get my priorities straight.  Finances are not a guarantee anymore, and getting a job is pertinent.  But more than that is being there for my Mom, my Brother, and my Sister.  And more than my family is searching God's heart and answering His call. 

Yeah, so I quit my awesome dreads for an awesome new hairstyle! 
And yeah, so I can't play with Chaos anymore, but I can exercise on my own. And! I can be a faithful, young woman of God and support my family when they need me most.
And yeah! So I'm Asian and I'm not getting straight A's anymore!
God's my #1.  And He's going to stay there.


Romans 8:35-37    
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

Winter Returns. And So Does Apathy.

Hey all of my blog viewers. (Which probably means just Phil.) ;)

It's been a long time coming....over a month since my last blog. Life's been busy. And crazy. I'm taking 16 credits this quarter and plan to take 17 credits every quarter until graduation in June 2011. Which really isn't that far away. I'm playing Ultimate Frisbee, which is a blast! But after a tournament yesterday, my legs and joints are feeling it. Nothing like a hot bubble bath to melt away soreness!

I did get dreads during Christmas break! But alas, my Asian hair and inability to stay committed to the dreads is showing as they fall out of their knots. Dreads are very high maintenance the first couple months...and honestly, I'm just too lazy. So we'll see how much longer they'll last, I doubt not much more than a week. So be on the lookout for a brand new hair style!



Now on to what God has been doing. He continues to stretch me way beyond my bounds in this season of life. My walk has been struggling. Not struggling in the way that I'm losing faith, but struggling with apathy and contentment. And contentment in not a good way. Rather than seeking God and searching His heart, I find myself content with my mediocre season in my walk. I find myself feeling "fine" and not digging deeper. Content with merely arriving to service minutes before it starts and leaving seconds after it's over. Content in reading devos, scribbling down my "SOAP", and then moving on to homework. Content in singing Christian songs but not entering into a place of worship. Content with my feelings of loneliness and instead of searching out relationship, wallowing in my own aloneness.

I find myself in a place of contentment....that is not at all fulfilling or pleasing.
So what now? How do I pull myself out of a place apathy? How do I renew my waning passion?

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure. Some possible solutions include as such:
Fellowship: Western is an amazing school, unfortunately it has been difficult to find good fellowship, to establish solid relationships that challenge me in my faith. I need to search out a small group and seek friendships with those who can help establish me in my faith and push me to grow.
Scripture: Yes, I do my daily devos. But often I find myself reading the "bare necessities" and then moving on to my academic readings. Do I really dive into the Word? Not at all.
Prayer: I find this one to be the most important. In my devos, of course I do the "P" to my SOAP journaling but how many times do I really call out to my God? Pray about those I love? Pray for my school, my church, my friends and family? Prayer is more than just putting aside 5 minutes a day to go down your list, it's spending time in your relationship with God.

The past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me. While I find great excitement in living on my own, moving away from home, and being my own person (and trust me, I do!!), transition is difficult. As winter comes, so does the repeating pattern of mild depression. Or maybe not so mild. But as much as I struggle, I know God has me and will never forsake me.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Hope.

Hope.

What is it?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
Hope: 1. to desire with expectation of obtainment. 2. to expect with confidence: Trust.

"Hope is the belief, more or less strong, that joy will come; desire is the wish it may come." - Sydney Smith (18th centuary writer/clergyman)

"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords." - Samuel Johnson

"'Hope' is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without words And never stops - at all." - Emily Dickinson

"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier." - Anonymous

Do you have Hope?

Job 11:17-18 17Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. 18 You will be secure, because there is hope you will look about you and take your rest in safety.(NIV)

Psalm 9:18 But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish. (NIV)

Isaiah 40:30-31 30Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (NIV)

Jeremiah 29:11-12 11For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12In those days when you pray, I will listen

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (NIV)

Proverbs 23: 14 Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off (NIV)

Lamentations 3: 19-22 19I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 20 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. (NIV)

Psalms 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD. (NIV)

Romans 5:5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (NKJV)

I have The Hope.

1 Peter 1:3-4 3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you

Do you?

Beside You

Today I found myself thinking about the song Beside You by Marianas Trench . Then I started thinking about my blog post Alone? Or Loneliness? I thanked God that I had Him. That I was indeed not alone. But then I started thinking about those who do not understand The Father who loves them. They have no clue that they are loved in an incredible way. I started to consider that when they’re alone and people fail them, they do not have Jesus to lean on. Then I started wondering if I am a person who's willing to stand beside someone even if their world is falling apart.

Am I willing to hold someone who's falling apart? Do I attempt to comfort those who are hurt? Am I one who tries to comfort those who cannot be comforted? Do I cry with those who don’t have enough tears? Am I reaching out to a broken world?

And even more than just reaching out. Am I showing them a Jesus who can comfort and heal when all else fails?

Matthew 5:3-8

3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.

Beside You -- Marianas Trench
When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is to just be still for a while

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
Where the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud




Jesus has called us to reach out. To show His face and be His hands. To comfort others.
So if your heart wears thin I will hold you up and I will hide you when it gets too much.
I'll be right beside you.