Quitter? Perhaps. Loser? No way.

I started this week off feeling like a loser. Or better yet, a quitter. 
This weekend I had to tell my Ultimate team, Chaos, that I couldn't play anymore. I quit.
Also this weekend, I got rid of my dreads.  I quit.
School has become so boring and uninteresting that I wanted to quit.

But all of my "giving up's" are not really giving up.  This week after writing my last blog I've been praying and searching God on what I should do, where I should go, and how I should think.  Quitting was the answer.  Or maybe "quitting" is the wrong word.  Re-prioritizing.  Let me share with you what my priorities have been since starting school:

1.  School
2.  Ultimate
3.  Family
4.  God
5.  Relationships

Pretty jacked up.  In reality, this is what my priorities should be:

1.  God
2.  Family
3.  School (unfortunately yes....still up there.)
4.  Relationships that push me to grow
5.  Ultimate

Now recently, my family has been dealing with some tough stuff.  My Dad lost his job and found a new one within his company, all in a three-weeks span.  He is now in St. Lewis and will work their until the end of May in hopes that they will transfer him back to Oak Harbor.
For the past five months school has been my main focus.  I've ignored going to church, ignored trying to gain new relationships, and ignored going back home to support my family. All for silly 'A' grades.  "C's get degrees!" says Phil, and that is some advice I need to be taking.  My relationship with Jesus needs to be first.  Again, apathy is not okay!  Relationship with Christ is more than 15 minutes doing devos and then being "done" for the day.  Being there for my family, even if that means driving back home several times a month to help my mom out, is more important that Microeconomics.  Finishing my homework to pass my classes is more essential than playing Ultimate.  And spending time dreading my hair when I could be doing anything else is a waste of time! 
My calling is to be a pastor; to challenge people in their faith, to help them enter the throne room of God, to share His heart with everyone I meet.  But to get to that full-time 'job' I need the tools to get there.  God's called me to Western.  To be a student, to learn and grow, and to get my B.A. in Communications.  I also believe wholeheartedly that He's called me to go to Hillsong in Sydney, Australia.  But to get there I have to finish here first.  I have to get my priorities straight.  Finances are not a guarantee anymore, and getting a job is pertinent.  But more than that is being there for my Mom, my Brother, and my Sister.  And more than my family is searching God's heart and answering His call. 

Yeah, so I quit my awesome dreads for an awesome new hairstyle! 
And yeah, so I can't play with Chaos anymore, but I can exercise on my own. And! I can be a faithful, young woman of God and support my family when they need me most.
And yeah! So I'm Asian and I'm not getting straight A's anymore!
God's my #1.  And He's going to stay there.


Romans 8:35-37    
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

Winter Returns. And So Does Apathy.

Hey all of my blog viewers. (Which probably means just Phil.) ;)

It's been a long time coming....over a month since my last blog. Life's been busy. And crazy. I'm taking 16 credits this quarter and plan to take 17 credits every quarter until graduation in June 2011. Which really isn't that far away. I'm playing Ultimate Frisbee, which is a blast! But after a tournament yesterday, my legs and joints are feeling it. Nothing like a hot bubble bath to melt away soreness!

I did get dreads during Christmas break! But alas, my Asian hair and inability to stay committed to the dreads is showing as they fall out of their knots. Dreads are very high maintenance the first couple months...and honestly, I'm just too lazy. So we'll see how much longer they'll last, I doubt not much more than a week. So be on the lookout for a brand new hair style!



Now on to what God has been doing. He continues to stretch me way beyond my bounds in this season of life. My walk has been struggling. Not struggling in the way that I'm losing faith, but struggling with apathy and contentment. And contentment in not a good way. Rather than seeking God and searching His heart, I find myself content with my mediocre season in my walk. I find myself feeling "fine" and not digging deeper. Content with merely arriving to service minutes before it starts and leaving seconds after it's over. Content in reading devos, scribbling down my "SOAP", and then moving on to homework. Content in singing Christian songs but not entering into a place of worship. Content with my feelings of loneliness and instead of searching out relationship, wallowing in my own aloneness.

I find myself in a place of contentment....that is not at all fulfilling or pleasing.
So what now? How do I pull myself out of a place apathy? How do I renew my waning passion?

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure. Some possible solutions include as such:
Fellowship: Western is an amazing school, unfortunately it has been difficult to find good fellowship, to establish solid relationships that challenge me in my faith. I need to search out a small group and seek friendships with those who can help establish me in my faith and push me to grow.
Scripture: Yes, I do my daily devos. But often I find myself reading the "bare necessities" and then moving on to my academic readings. Do I really dive into the Word? Not at all.
Prayer: I find this one to be the most important. In my devos, of course I do the "P" to my SOAP journaling but how many times do I really call out to my God? Pray about those I love? Pray for my school, my church, my friends and family? Prayer is more than just putting aside 5 minutes a day to go down your list, it's spending time in your relationship with God.

The past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me. While I find great excitement in living on my own, moving away from home, and being my own person (and trust me, I do!!), transition is difficult. As winter comes, so does the repeating pattern of mild depression. Or maybe not so mild. But as much as I struggle, I know God has me and will never forsake me.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.